Just half does the job

Another usual day for me. And another usual question. What next? This is the big question in my life which I usually try to avoid or try and ignore and feel the question just did not exist. But the reality pinches and I wake up to it one fine day. Higher studies is a definite answer but there are a lot of uncertainties and contradictions within myself. I would want to be near my parents. Period. I can say various reasons but the real one is I just want to be with them. Somewhere near and reachable whenever I want to. So when I applied for that Phd position today I don't know what was I thinking about. Did I forget my priorities. I have started to wonder whether it is a real priority at all these days. I just don't know.

Having a contended job can make a huge difference in me. So job change is another option to make me feel better. But do I have a guarantee that the next job would be to my expectation. Its very difficult to predict the future and it is indeed too much to ask for. I'm not making a change now merely because of the fear of failure again. I have failed in so many different things in so many different ways. I remember saying myself, when I applied for my current job, that it has to really work out, else I will be so broken. For some reason, my job turned out to be sour. And I'm here today broken yet sailing. Not contended still surviving. So does that mean failures will come and I can face them. Do I have the courage to face one more risk again? I just don't know.

I wish there is someone today I can talk to and they keep listening to all my rambles and nod their head in agreement. But all my friends are real. They will drive me to reality all the time. During these moments, gossips, jokes or conversations on just about everything would not interest me. Finally, I will not know what to talk and how to take the conversation further. I'm one good nut who refuse to be helped. My friends understand that and they have given up hopes. Understandable, they are only friends.

I'm just a totally confused soul today. Feel like a total looser. Tired and sleepy but cant fall asleep. All I want is to sleep now. May be I will listen to some music, watch a couple of episodes in Friends, talk to my teddies and may be ramble more to myself.

If nothing works, yes there is my best friend who has never failed and can put me to sleep in just few minutes. 

He will make me forget the day and gives my brain enough rest to face probably a similar tomorrow.

Sweet magic sleeping pill. Just half does the job.