Listening to You

It was Q&A session. The country head of my organisation along with some management members were there ready to answer us. It was a large audience, about three hundred and fifty approximately from various departments in Chennai and we were gathered for the day to hear about our future directions. After a day long session, Q&A happens to be the one everyone would be eagerly waiting for, still- always starts with a long silence for few minutes- until the bravest one would start with the dumbest question. 


It gains momentum from then on and gets interesting. However, after just fifteen minutes I realized everyone is almost asking the same question probably phrased differently and how the management managed to answer them differently and inconsistently all the time. It happens. I had a question in mind but was not sure whether to ask. It was about a recent announcement made by our partner in media. I wanted to confirm the news before asking, so I quickly borrowed my colleagues mobile and searched for the news. Bingo! I got it and was sure if I should ask this question, everyone would wake up from the slumber. Everyone- for once- would start thinking about their 'old question' in a different perspective and how irrelevant it is, because I have news for them. Am sure it would make the country head scratch his head and fumble while answering because of this unexpected twist to his anticipated questions in this session. Maybe appreciating my brilliance, acumen and knowledge, I was even expecting him to make an open offer- in front of the crowd-to join his management team which I would politely decline in public- just to make everyone super jealous and praise my arrogance. But I would secretly accept the offer latter.


I raised my hand and promptly a mike landed. Before I could stand and ask the question, I heard someone has already started asking theirs. Next would be my turn, I thought. That was the time I heard it. I suddenly felt that something in me that has been sleeping silently has woken up and was asking for attention. It was my heart beat. It rapidly but steadily started beating faster and faster. My muscles were getting stiff. I could feel the blood gush through my neck and up my head and flow back to my heart. My bones were frozen and my eyes were feeling the pressure of the gushing blood in its capillaries. My lips were  tight and refused to open. My breathing almost stopped because of the heaviness in my chest. I knew this is called panic attack and has struck me again. 


This time, though people around me were urging me to ask the question- as I had the mike in my hand and already many more questions were asked, I knew am still not ready and also knew the attention was not on me completely-a relief. I wanted to explore what is happening with me. I wanted to listen to my body. I was soon relaxed by mind but my heart was still racing. I knew it will panic during moments like this but soon will get back to normalcy. After few minutes- which felt like ages, I thought I had regained myself and was ready to wait for the current answer to be finished to ask my question. But the moment the thought struck, my heart raced again. This time faster and furious than before. I listened to its rhythm carefully. It attained peak speed. The beat was so loud and strong that I could feel my body shake with it and thought the person sitting next to me might hear it. Suddenly like a sprint runner finishing his lap and crashing down, the beat dropped drastically. It was just one per two or three seconds and every time it did, I could feel the blood chock my veins and arteries by the sudden flooding. I thought I might actually pass-out if it continues. But didn't, it returned to normalcy, I thought.


The cycle of the rhythmic increase in heart rate and sudden drop happened every time I attempted to raise. I curiously experimented with pushing my body to limits and trying to bring it back to normalcy a couple of times. After I heard from the speaker that he is taking the last few questions- I decided I should go. But I felt the cycle repeat. I could not. It was too painful and I was very tired. I heard the girl behind me ask for the mike and I gave it to her. I heard her ask her question loud and bold without hesitation and fear. While I was still recuperating from the cycles of panic my fragile heart went through, I thought it is not worth it after all. And moreover, what is the use of all the questions asked. Look at all these guys- they thought they will change something by asking those questions. But what happened- they just got answered without an effort- the management maintaining and defending everything they did/ do was right and making sure none gets an action point. Its just not worth the pain. 
Got reminded of the fox and the grapes story... 

Stages

I've longed for many things over many stages of my life. My longing as a child, as an adolescent, as an young adult and a grown up man. I had foresight of what is coming next. I was able to convince this is how it is or will be whenever I came across things I was not designed for- I knew I was different, just like many others. I made my own rules to accommodate and manage my longings in the best possible way. 
But never thought handling the stage of parenthood will be this difficult. 


Over the recent days, I think I've somehow reached the stage where I can go to any extent of madness to have a child. Maybe not my own but one I could say myself it 'could' be mine, ours, or at-least my man's. A dangerous thought. My parenthood is kicking so hard in me. I'm longing to raise a child. To watch them smile, cuddle, cry and sleep. To spend hours trying to teach them eat on their own, learn and be anxious as they grow. To understand and be a responsible parent in raising them. To watch them settle, find their love and have their children. Just like the way my parents would have wished for. 


Sometimes it gives a crazy thought of why not get married to a girl and have a child and just get over with it. I wish life could be just easy as that. As I know, stages and emotions of mind are not exclusive. They are overlapping complexities. Just like my longing for a child, I still believe and stand by the thought that someone's life cannot be taken for granted for my longing at one particular stage.


These days, very often, my nights are not filled with the loneliness of not having someone next to me. Its not the comfort of his arms around me or warmth that I used to long for earlier. Its the loneliness that misses the touch of those soft and tender hands wrapped around my fingers holding tight. That innocent face that sleeps sound feeling secure in my arms. To wake up midnight when they cry and call for attention. I dream a lot on what future beholds my child. Realizing am still alone- and my dream will be just a dream and my loneliness is there to stay- I feel my heart is too heavy to even cry. Will soon realize its just a stage. I will pull it through. 


Just wondering on the amazing aspect of life and the design of the human mind as such. Its longing for things as it got to be at the right stage. Gives me a feeling that am not different after all. I'm complex. I'm human. 


Could it have been better if not human? How about life as simple as those of birds, they seem to be chirpy and happy all the time. So it seems. Maybe they are thinking the same way as I do, they want to be human- powerful, strong and could have ultimate control over everything. They do not know humans have a tough time controlling and managing their own emotions and feelings which is the most difficult thing to do. I could tell them definitely- its not worth trying. 

Dreamy days

He made a fist with his left hand, twisted his wrist, gently punched it against his right palm. He did the cycle with his right hand, kept repeating it and walked past my desk in his usual carefree style. I was staring at him as he walked away and suddenly as if called by some intuition he turned back and saw me stare. Yet another day I was caught red-handed. I turned back and started writing this.


I knew him for a good period of time now. A shy guy whom I heard is very good at his work, clam and soft spoken. Intelligent yet level headed he is admired for being professional and cool. Everyone says those who work under him are very lucky to have got an excellent manager. I too wish I have worked under him. Literally :P

He is not my type of guy. Fair, sophisticated, soft spoken and elegant. He has a totally hairless body and is so defined and shaped that defies his age. Definitely not my type. Maybe its because I so want to be like that and jealous. However every time I see him, I could definitely see my heart race faster. It is just his charm that attracts me. He is one of those guys where my fantasy does not get restricted with just being in bed. It starts with the moment of proposal, marriage and growing old and aging.

He arrives after half hour I usally arrive office and everyday I look forward the moment he would breeze past me- my desk. This is a daily ritual and so woven and twined in my otherwise boring office life. There had been only very few occasions I had conversations with him and they were very brief. Usually an easy going jolly person, he seemed reserved to me. Though there were moments he had to interact with me, he will try to avoid it as much as possible. Maybe he wants to get things done without the help of anyone. Or maybe he is not comfortable with me. Once I had the opportunity to work him (no, not under yet :P) and I could not stop staring at him. I had to find reasons to get out of the project as I was not contributing anything productive than getting my mind filled with his thoughts and staring at him in meetings. Over a period of time, he had also noticed my very strange stare and attention to him and he used to respond with a cold walk as if saying- stop it please. I will immediately turn away. But have never stopped. During the initial days it all felt strange, the stare, the cold response and all that. Eventually it became a routine and we just got used to it.

Few days back I heard he has resigned and is moving out in another couple of days. He was not in his seat and was not present in office. The whole day I kept staring at his place- now and then- and it felt as if am gonna miss something huge. A day latter when he returned, I just could not stop but feel how much I will miss him when he is no longer there.

I noticed he has become more casual and happy as he is in his last few days with the organization. I just don't know if I would ever know his last day working day or will he be including me in the final adieu mail he would send everyone. I was curious to know what he would have thought about me during all these days. A jerk? Even if it is bad, I would want to know.

I never had or will have the courage to go and have a casual conversation with him. I will not even be able to say goodbye to him on his last day.


Realizing my desires for him, I feel scared. What if all my desires and wishes for him are not fulfilled in this birth- which is for sure, and God decides to give me second chance and curse me with another birth.

I'm not sure on how far I have control over those re-birth stuff. But I'm sure I can bury all my desires and wish for nothing- hoping it will prevent it.  But, if God will decide on fulfilling my desire in my next birth, getting married to him and live life king (err.. queen) size,  why would I be a fool to not accept that. Now am I desiring for a next birth to have all those unfulfilled wishes? That's so not me..
Well, too much dreaming for a day :)

Lonely day

தோல்வியில் தனிமையை தழிவிட கண்டேன் 

தனிமையை ஒழித்திட தோல்வியும் கண்டேன் 

பிணி நீக்கும் மருந்தென்று உறக்கம் கொண்டேன் 

சரித்திரம் தொடர்வது கணவாய் கண்டேன் 

விழித்தேன் தனிமயிலே.