List

Though he was the latest in my to-meet list, he was already topping it. He was on fast-track I guess. Usually it takes a long time from the first conversation to the day I meet them in person. Been the trend for years now. But for some reason, I was totally impressed by him and agreed to meet him immediately. It could be because of various reasons- he is irresistibly handsome; married; has a kid; well read; believer in love; too flirtatious; flatters me a lot; a lot more and am desperate. The deadly combination.

We had a long chat over the messenger today, discussion on books- and how an illiterate I am; on chocolates, beaches, vacation, kids, marriage, fashion, perfume, travel and Chennai. Even though, if I had known him to be with none among my fantasized combination, I realized just this conversation would have made me very comfortable with him. He said he could feel some kind of connection between us and that he is thrilled. He said, it might be too early to propose but he felt like doing it... He said I'm special. I did not know how to respond. I thought I was not able to feel the same way because I was not normal enough to feel emotions anymore. I thought maybe I should seriously consider others feelings before rejecting them outright. Finally when he asked me how I felt, I could respond him with no more than a 'smiley'. He asked me not be shy and say it by words. I again responded with a smiley. Smiley are my way of saying 'I don't know' and he took it as my shy way of agreement with him. He said he liked my shyness and my smileys. He said we should meet tomorrow. I agreed. I asked if we can exchange numbers so that it will be easy to spot each other tomorrow. He responded saying he has 'photographic' memory and can find me easily at the venue. 

It was late in the night already and he said its time to hit bed and logged off. Though not excited at all about meeting him, secretly I was curious. I was feeling a bit guilty for not being too open about how I felt for him- about my numbness for emotions. I thought I have agreed to meet him out of rush and I know I still have my reservations in having a relationship with a married man. 

Not able to sleep I was browsing the internet and after few hours, I saw him online again. I thought I will open up.

Me: Hi... not slept yet?

Him: no

Me: so... had dinner?

Him: Sorry- I'm not sure who you are?

Me: ok... we had a chat for few hours today.. we decided to meet tomorrow @....  (place)

Him: hhmm... I had a chat with few today... can I now your name?

Me: :)

Him: s

Me: :)

I understood he had a bigger 'to-meet' list than mine that can't be remembered, and am not even present in the added contact list of his messenger, or maybe got deleted after the conversation :)

I remember him saying he could spend only two hours maximum with me. I know why now. Needs talent to hold a time-pass conversation like that, with many simultaneously and proposing a meeting at the same place.  

He should be one busy guy tomorrow. But will have at least two hours of free time with no company in the evening. 

I logged off.

A trip to the past

As I neared the place, I felt someone was chasing me in the bike. The same smile swept my face and I looked through the window of my bus. None I knew was there. Though its been years I visited the place last, it just felt the same way as it did that very first day. Unlike the anxiety and excitement I had the fist time, I was just very calm. My motive for this visit is very simple. To re-visit that moment and re-create the first day we spent together. I've always been fine living with my memories adorning my present.


I wanted to go the restaurant where we had our first dinner together. I still remember he was too concerned whether or not I would like the place and the food there. I wanted to sit on the rock at the beach where we spoke for a long time that night. I wanted to get a glimpse of his home where we spent our night latter. I wanted to have my lunch at the restaurant in the colonial building and the juice shop where we both watched tv. I also wanted to go to the temple we first visited together. And finally wanted to bid bye as the bus would start and take me back home.


Soon after landing in the bus stop, I realized I have grown old. I could not remember a single name- the restaurant, the street, the shop or a place. I kept walking as far as I can in hope of finding the restaurant we had our dinner. Could not find it. I hired an auto and told to him reach some locality and was wandering without an address to find his home. Every street and house resembled his home. Not sure what to do, I mentioned the temple name we visited and he drove me there. I remembered the juice shop and the colonial restaurant where we had lunch were near the temple. I reached the temple, it was still the same- modern yet nice.


I walked around the place and found all the streets looked almost similar and I could not locate the restaurant. I remember the school he studied and stood before the gates where he once was proudly telling me stories about it. I walked some more. I asked for directions. None were able to help me with my hint- a juice shop at the corner that had a tv and a restaurant that is nice.


Finally I gave up on the juice shop and restaurant. I went to the temple. When I took the holy ash near my forehead, I got reminded on how he was eagerly waiting for that moment that day and he did it for me. With a smile I sat in the same place we both sat in silence. Before I started this trip, I was resolved that I should only feel happy for those moments we spent together. Never think about the present. However, when I realized my eyes are getting moist, I was filled with guilt that I might be unhappy. I was worried that my unhappiness might cast a spell or something on him and will create troubles for him. I prayed God that He should keep him happy no matter what. I left the temple before the welled up tears formed a stream.


I walked towards the beach. I was able to recognize some place there. The place where he parked his bike and the closed ice-cream shop where he wanted to buy me something. Its a Sunday evening and the beach was pretty crowded. I liked people watching. The entire beach stretch is filled with boulders of huge rocks. Its impossible to locate ours where we sat. I settled myself on one of them. I remember him explaining about those rock posts in the middle of the sea. I kept staring on the endless sea and the merging sky and the strong breeze. It seemed as if the roaring sea, the passing clouds and the wind spoke to me and assured me- he is doing well and will be taken care. I knew my trip is complete just hearing that.


I started back home, peeping out of the window hoping to get a glimpse of his face one more time.
He was there again, chasing me in his bike and waving me bye.
My memories are stronger than I thought. 

A 'To-Meet' Month

April is not that hectic this time. Work is not heavy, weekends are free and I am totally bored. I made a point, this month, I will complete all the things I was planning to-do. The top most in the to-do list is the 'To-Meet' task with list of those friends I've made all these years and never met even once or a long time.

First on the list was Mr. Crazy Lover Boy and his John Abraham boy friend. If I could just sum up my feelings after the meeting- I felt really good for them but at the same time, I started to have a feeling that- I was never in love nor do I even know the real meaning of it. Maybe its been so long ago I had experienced someone love me, it felt a bit alien to realize what is love and it felt extraordinary. Maybe theirs is the one everyone calls divine love. Whatever I saw between those guys, I wish it remains forever. 

Second I met is a friend whom I used to chat with for years now and have not met him, though he lives only a kilometer away from my home. A nice good looking guy, married and has a small kid. Its summer time and his wife and the kid are away to their grandparents home for vacation. So I made a comfortable visit to his place. Though he talks nice over the phone and chats, he was found to be not much of a talker in person. From the moment I entered his home all his attention was to get laid. Finally, we made out. After few moments, I thought its time to leave. The guy realized he has not reached climax yet and insisted I give him company even if am not totally interested in participation. I obliged. Since his family would be away for following few weeks, we decided to meet often, and we did. And each time we did the same thing again and again. 

Usually at these moments of non-participation and yet, to be present and supportive due to obligation, I would feel irritated and would cease to have a relationship with the guy. But for some reason, I kept going... I thought I liked casual sex. I thought I have gone few years back in my life where- making love was mere union of bodies and no emotions felt whatsoever. 

Next on the 'to-meet' list, someone I met in chat before few years and been in touch over the phone and chat, and whom I'm very comfortable with. I met him this evening at a coffee shop and he had come along with his friend. He is nearing forty yet was strikingly handsome and sexy. He is well read, jovial, and great in conversations. When I heard he is having dates every other day, I thought no wonder. On a side note, I realized the coffee shop had the best chocolate truffle and am planning to visit there as often I can.

Primarily in all my conversation with him till date, all he could talk about was sex and in particular b-jobs. He thinks he is the man born to rule the world with his charm and tool. Self confident. By his looks and latter seeing him in action, I thought he is worth to be proud about it and he actually should and can be over-confident by standards. 

We went to his apartment and started making out. I realized he is a great kisser and could easily say he is the best. He said we should do more. He is a dominant person in bed and very active. His greatest fantasy is to get b-js from boys kicked in and insisted. Of course, he has great ideas that makes them interesting too without making one feel- used. 

When I said he needs a condom for the b-j he laughed aloud and asked me if that was a joke. I explained bare ones are only for my 'special man'. He then said, then we should have real sex and asked- have I ever been penetrated. When I answered that in negative too, he smiled and sat up. He looked in my eyes closely for a couple of minutes without blinking, held my face and said, 'you never had sex all your life'. 

He held my head to his chest and I lay there for a while. To lighten the moment, he asked me about my encounters in sex and my experiences and fantasies. After hearing them all, he made jokes out of them that made me laugh and think. He said it is too late to even think about whether to have or not have sex and the 'opportunity' to break the spell was right there in front of me. He has his own charm of getting things done. After the initial resistance I tried. But I could not go further. 

I was on his chest again, thinking blank. As I kept fiddling with the hair on his chest feeling his warmth, he whispered in my ears that I had the best body and mind in business that neither should be ruined by casual sex nor be preserved unused. I smiled. He held me tight and kissed on my forehead. We knew its time to leave. 

With a body and mind that felt like floating in thin air, I walked back home, wondering how simple have I been with needs and expectations in love and sex. And how easier my life is becoming now, with even much simpler expectation and needs than it was before. 
Perfectly satisfied in its own way-maybe not by definition, but as I know and want it.