A 3D Comedy Show

All of a sudden I thought I should attend this Vidur Kapur's Stand up comedy at Museum Theater. Maybe I felt I should break this cocoon I'm building on myself and loosen a bit. I made the reservation and was on time. 

The person who was kind enough to give me those complimentary passes let me in and I sat next to a middle aged man. He seemed very polite and tried striking a conversation with me. During the conversation, all of a sudden he asked me- do you like 'Connecting People', for which I gave an instant reply- 'well, I'm not good in Connecting People'. I realized there are so many aspects to that statement. I know, I'm bad with 'connecting people' and 'connecting with people' as well. However, the person next to me understood that in a totally different manner and said- 'don't worry if you are bad in getting connecting physically because I'm an expert'. I know the comedy has already started well before Vidur showed up on stage.

The show started and right from minute one, it was hilarious to the core. I was totally enjoying it and was laughing, hooting and clapping aloud, though at times I knew was the only one doing it and drew attention. I was after all loosening up, whatever that meant. I liked his sarcasm and imitating accents. I really enjoyed those digs he took upon people in a comical way. I realized I have seen some of those lines already in Youtube, but it was nevertheless enjoyable. It was a great relief and I had a great evening as it took my mind off from many things nudging me for a while. 

A few minutes into the show, a cross dresser came and sat next to me on the other side. She kept hitting on me, trying to hold my hands and touching my body with her elbows, giving me those looks and even tried reaching my private parts. When it became too much that I was getting distracted from the show, I had to tell her, politely, can you please keep your hands towards your side of the arm rest. During this time I didn't realize while trying to avoid her, I had actually gone closer towards the middle aged person sitting on the other side of my seat, who now thought I was trying him and started giving me signs and looks. 

Overall, the show was a fabulous one that would be remembered for a long time. And yes, the drama on the seats next to me were totally a bonus. A 3D comedy show :)

Prayer

My friend called me today and said, his boyfriend is not well for the past couple of days and he has not seen him for a long time- a week. Earlier he used to call me now and then and would update me on his boyfriend's health and it seems yesterday he got worse and got admitted in a hospital. 

Their love is adorable. It is special and complicated in my view but  they are so good and their love is so strong they manage it with grace. It is just their trust in love and themselves that keeps them going. Love is not always something that has to be proclaimed and shown in front of others and their love is one which cannot be shown openly to this evil world. 

So when one is not well and in bed, and the other is in a situation where he cannot visit or talk to him frequently, their love literally kills them. My friend was so broken today that he is not able to at least talk to him and ask how he is feeling. I assured him, he will be fine soon and he will get to be with his boyfriend soon. I sincerely said, I would pray for them.

Strangely, I'm not able to assure that to myself, that it will be over soon and I will be with my friend again. Despite knowing, my friendship and love is not any less, I have to pray- Give him happiness and good health, make me strong and brave to face the reality and live on. Make us not too dependent on each other and make me feel love again for someone else. Do mend to my missing soul and help me while I miss him.

In addition, I'm adding my favorite lines- I've had enough of joy and sorrows and let this be my last birth in any form on earth or anywhere. 


I'm after all wishing everyone should get a chance, why just me all the time :)

Phase Change

It feels like one of the silent ritual my mom used to go through years ago. She would not speak a word on Saturdays and any urgent communication would be only through gestures. Even as a child I used to wonder why is she trying to shed the God given capability to speak and make life miserable for everyone.

The very next day after we decided that distancing ourselves is the only solution and silence would be the way adopted to achieve it, I called everyone of my friends and said - He has stopped talking to me. Though we had reluctantly agreed mutually on this, I wanted to tell everyone it was him who wished for it. Even blaming him did not take the pain away. That night I slept off early only to wake up every hour till dawn to check my phone for messages and missed calls. During my intermittent sleep, I even imagined or dreamt talking to him.


Two days latter now I'm still checking my phones, but have come to accept the fact it is going to be silent, however painful it is. With my gift of amnesia kicking in, I'm now refusing to attach any rationale behind this silence. Fighting attitude is not my inborn trait. I have come to accept this way of life and the decision for whatever reason.
All the while, I had the satisfaction that at least I had him as a friend. Now that too taken away, I cannot stop but cursing myself for all this. I know things will get better in the days to come. Time is a great healer and this is only momentary. But I wonder why should I go through this at all. I could have not met him in the first place, I could have not fallen for him, I could have managed my feelings better, I could have fallen in love with someone else again, I could have been a bad friend he hated. I could have been many other things than what I'm today that could have averted all this.


Life is so strange to understand. And it owes me a lot. For the love I lost. For the one not found. I know this is just part of my journey and I don't know what else the rest of my ride has in store for me. I realize I would prefer to be a lonely swimmer in a calm sea as am today than have a joy filled ride expecting a storm and a ship wreck. However hard I scream this at the top of voice standing on top of the hill, I know what to expect. Its a crazy life to expect anything at all.

Idhu Varai...

இது நிரந்தரம் அல்ல மாறிவிடும் மனநிலை தான்... 

Colors, Shades and Tones

This morning I got a call from one of my long time buddy. He is one whom I have met just once but still in touch over phone and we share every bit of what's happening in our life. He recently met a guy and is totally in love with him. Its nice to hear someone is in love and being loved. It always amazes me and knew people have to be very lucky to be there. Its odd that he is calling me on a weekend so I picked up the call- rather anxiously.


He said he has his boy friend with him and he wants to talk to me. I have heard him say me earlier that his boyfriend is kind of a person who believes that their relationship shall not publicized and flaunted. He wants it to be just between them. Seems he is just too concerned that it should last long and that no one should cast eye on what they have been blessed with. I have always thought how sweet he should be to be so possessive and caring about his relationship. So when my friend said, his boyfriend wants to talk to me, I was surprised. I spoke to him and he did sound sweet too. They both are so possessive about each other. I was truly glad by what my friend has. I could not stop showering praises on them. It always makes me so happy to see people in love. Lovely couple I thought. 


My friend is married and he is in love with this guy who will get married too. They are madly in love with each other. I only wished this love story lasts long and never wanted to imagine where it might lead. 


In the evening, while going home, when I got down from the bus I saw two guys talking to each other. One was sitting on his bike and the other was waiting for the bus. They were standing too close and could see them smiling happily and discussing something. For some reason, I smiled at them and walked away. After few steps, I looked back and heard them shout- 'He was looking at you- no no, he was looking at you....'


I was surprised and before I could turn back, the one on the bike was next to me. I also saw the other guy board a bus and wave at him. He said he noticed me smile at them and wanted to know whom I was smiling at. Was it at him or his friend. Though I knew it was his friend whom I actually smiled at, I said- it was you guys in total and none in particular. He understood that and asked me if I had time to talk for a few minutes. Since it was public and I felt safe, I agreed. 


He said, he and the other guy are together for eight years. The are like best friends and they knew each other so very well and have had lots of fun. I asked him are they couple. He said they love each other but not like a couple. He said they both would get married very soon but still would love and be together. They are very open to each other and he said he actually came to ask me whom I liked so that it would easy for them than fighting for me. I was flattered and at the same time I was truly amazed at their maturity. All I could tell him was, I felt happy and liked seeing them as a couple than enjoy one's company. He had a solution for that too. He asked me, if I was fine being with both of them at the same time. Weird I thought. 

Two different couple I met in a single day and two different perspectives to human relationships and 'love'. 


Love in so many colors, shades and tones each unique and special in its own way. Never just black and white. 

Bad Boy Songs...

Sleazy moves, sizzling beats, raunchy lyrics and hot bad boys are always a great combo... 
Would've been much better if that's me instead of her :)

Kodana kodi adhil kulippom vilayadi
kushiyagum body ada idhu pol varumaadi
oyyari
eh asandhu-pudi
singari
naan azhagu kodi
nee yeathu 
namma vetri kodi- ini roota konjam maathu 


Kodana kodi adhil kulippom vilayadi
kushiyagum vaadi adi idhu pol varumaadi


kutthalathu oodha kathu koothaduthu neram parthu
ippo sudhi yerudhu thannale
ammadi un aattam parthu naan aaduven kooda sernthu
ippo vazhi maarudhu unnale


yedho thonudhu yedhuvo nogudu unna parthadhale
ulle iruppadhu veliye sirikkudhu unna serndhathale


vidhathu indha mogam vegam
thodaama thottu serum
thadaal thadaal-nnu adikkira manasu
gabal-nu mela paayum
varadhadhu vandhachuda kondalam ini namma neram-dhaane


dhuttale nee katti podu 
thoongama thaan gaana paadu
vitta idhu vidha vidha vilayattu
eppodhume yogam thaanda
idhukku oru yosanai yenda
eppo sugam thotta vidumaada


kaalam maarudhu kanakkil yerudhu
ishtam pola vaazhu
kootam kooduthu aattam poduthu
inimey nalla naalu


ponnala maalai eppodhum podu
nammoda vaazhvu toppu
undanathellam kondadavendum
vidhadha konjam gappu
ellarukkum nallarukkum fullarukkum ini namma neram-dhaane


hummingggggg.... 

Baby's Language

Last night I was having a conversation with a friend who asked me why I’m not able to express what I feel- exactly and openly. Quite naturally, the immediate answer I had for him was- I don’t know. Though I told him that I won’t be interested in finding an answer, I did think about it.

Expressing something openly or explicitly is one category, where I use ‘I don’t know’ to escape further exploration. This is simply because of my strong mindset which says- when you become open you may actually make the situation too difficult and uncomfortable to handle, either for you or for the other person or for both. It is also because I feel it might strain the relationship because of certain revelations. What I don’t realize is that by being not open I’m actually trying to be too constricted and becoming very conscious in sharing thoughts. This renders a deep feeling of guilt that I’m not honest and not worthy for the underlying foundation of any relationship- trust. It pains to see people loose trust in me for not being open.

There is another category of expression of feelings where I exactly don’t know what it is, really. There are few moments when I actually run out of words on how I feel about something. These are feelings that on the surface look very simple and plain, but deep inner it is just very complex. When someone wants to explore why I feel this way, I just won’t have an answer. I myself show resistance in understanding these complexities simply because, I fear, it will cause some reality in me to surface out. Here too I feel bad for not having the strength to face it and fight it than shy away.

Either ways, I have found myself having limitations in my expressions. These are limitations that I have had with all my friends, my parents and just about everyone I guess. How nice it will be to say, talk and express openly and exactly on everything one feels to our parents, friends and the ones we love. They all would know my real self. When I see some of my friends who are open to me or to the ones they trust, all I could think is how lucky they are to not have these delicate complexities in mind and have freedom to express thoughts. How lucky!!

If given a second chance, I sure would want to start it afresh and be truthful to all these relationships, family and friends. I wish I can go back to the days when I was best understood, baby days. I did not utter a single word, but still people were able to understand what and how I felt. I did not feel bad I did not understand them. Strange how easy it was to express thoughts being a baby and not as a grown up adult who have so many mediums and languages mastered at hand. Baby's language is the best ever.

At least I dream a day, when I can remove the memory chip from my brain, give it to others and ask them to feel my thoughts, explicitly and precisely than hear my refined words.


Till the technology is developed, this retard will try to learn telepathy or baby's language :)

Freedom...

Every time I receive a forwarded message which reads anything close to- please forward it for the benefit of mankind or Indians or whatever, and that interests me- I will be first suspicious and won't trust the message. The message could be describing about a miraculous event or just some information unbelievable or great news, I will not believe it in the first instant. Right away I would google for the facts and almost every time I have found that the news is a hoax. Immediately after finding this out, I will reply the sender saying that was a hoax message. The sender would come to me and say 'Oh is it.. I didn't know. Sigh I've sent this to everyone...'. I would be waiting to hear that.

Why do I do this? These are pretty much innocent guys who would want to forward a nice good message believing it is true. They are really under the impression of helping others. Not their fault. But why am I not like these guys who would want to take it casually and leave it there. At least after finding that it is not true, I should tell them in person about it. I rather would reply the mail- usually reply to all if someone's name is in cc- and say, it is hoax and would attach links from the real source like hoax slayer websites etc. What am I doing here- showing off that I'm smarter and know everything?

Sometimes I would easily say, I do this for their good and to make them realize they have to forward only trusted facts and blah blah. But deep inside me, I know it is to find facts and point them how wrong they are. Worst I remember I have fought with a guy who forwarded a puzzle in mathematics integration and I was arguing with some non-existent logic and showing off that I'm better than him. Where did my good morally correct nature of finding facts and fighting for it go in this instance. Cheap pleasure isn't it?

I know this behaviour of mine is just one of those many - appalling qualitites in me, nurtured by my ego. I should rather start acknowledging it as Inflated Ego, as one my friend rightly calls it. I really wish I win this battle against it and free myself someday.