Baby's Language

Last night I was having a conversation with a friend who asked me why I’m not able to express what I feel- exactly and openly. Quite naturally, the immediate answer I had for him was- I don’t know. Though I told him that I won’t be interested in finding an answer, I did think about it.

Expressing something openly or explicitly is one category, where I use ‘I don’t know’ to escape further exploration. This is simply because of my strong mindset which says- when you become open you may actually make the situation too difficult and uncomfortable to handle, either for you or for the other person or for both. It is also because I feel it might strain the relationship because of certain revelations. What I don’t realize is that by being not open I’m actually trying to be too constricted and becoming very conscious in sharing thoughts. This renders a deep feeling of guilt that I’m not honest and not worthy for the underlying foundation of any relationship- trust. It pains to see people loose trust in me for not being open.

There is another category of expression of feelings where I exactly don’t know what it is, really. There are few moments when I actually run out of words on how I feel about something. These are feelings that on the surface look very simple and plain, but deep inner it is just very complex. When someone wants to explore why I feel this way, I just won’t have an answer. I myself show resistance in understanding these complexities simply because, I fear, it will cause some reality in me to surface out. Here too I feel bad for not having the strength to face it and fight it than shy away.

Either ways, I have found myself having limitations in my expressions. These are limitations that I have had with all my friends, my parents and just about everyone I guess. How nice it will be to say, talk and express openly and exactly on everything one feels to our parents, friends and the ones we love. They all would know my real self. When I see some of my friends who are open to me or to the ones they trust, all I could think is how lucky they are to not have these delicate complexities in mind and have freedom to express thoughts. How lucky!!

If given a second chance, I sure would want to start it afresh and be truthful to all these relationships, family and friends. I wish I can go back to the days when I was best understood, baby days. I did not utter a single word, but still people were able to understand what and how I felt. I did not feel bad I did not understand them. Strange how easy it was to express thoughts being a baby and not as a grown up adult who have so many mediums and languages mastered at hand. Baby's language is the best ever.

At least I dream a day, when I can remove the memory chip from my brain, give it to others and ask them to feel my thoughts, explicitly and precisely than hear my refined words.


Till the technology is developed, this retard will try to learn telepathy or baby's language :)