Phase Change

It feels like one of the silent ritual my mom used to go through years ago. She would not speak a word on Saturdays and any urgent communication would be only through gestures. Even as a child I used to wonder why is she trying to shed the God given capability to speak and make life miserable for everyone.

The very next day after we decided that distancing ourselves is the only solution and silence would be the way adopted to achieve it, I called everyone of my friends and said - He has stopped talking to me. Though we had reluctantly agreed mutually on this, I wanted to tell everyone it was him who wished for it. Even blaming him did not take the pain away. That night I slept off early only to wake up every hour till dawn to check my phone for messages and missed calls. During my intermittent sleep, I even imagined or dreamt talking to him.


Two days latter now I'm still checking my phones, but have come to accept the fact it is going to be silent, however painful it is. With my gift of amnesia kicking in, I'm now refusing to attach any rationale behind this silence. Fighting attitude is not my inborn trait. I have come to accept this way of life and the decision for whatever reason.
All the while, I had the satisfaction that at least I had him as a friend. Now that too taken away, I cannot stop but cursing myself for all this. I know things will get better in the days to come. Time is a great healer and this is only momentary. But I wonder why should I go through this at all. I could have not met him in the first place, I could have not fallen for him, I could have managed my feelings better, I could have fallen in love with someone else again, I could have been a bad friend he hated. I could have been many other things than what I'm today that could have averted all this.


Life is so strange to understand. And it owes me a lot. For the love I lost. For the one not found. I know this is just part of my journey and I don't know what else the rest of my ride has in store for me. I realize I would prefer to be a lonely swimmer in a calm sea as am today than have a joy filled ride expecting a storm and a ship wreck. However hard I scream this at the top of voice standing on top of the hill, I know what to expect. Its a crazy life to expect anything at all.