Marks

It was the train, again. I think there is something to it.
I was returning home and he was already there when I boarded.. Though I have told him very strictly that there is not going to be any physical relation between us, I thought it will be too impolite to not even say hi.. I sat next to him. It was a super fast train with lesser stops on signals and I know I would reach my station pretty soon. That was a relief. He didn't talk much. He tried holding my hands and I did not resist. I did try resisting initially but really not too hard. I did not want to make a scene. I thought it was just a couple of minutes more. My station came and I got down at the station. So did he.

We were on the platform. He held my hand so hard that it ached. He made me stand next to him and let me not move. The train moved away and the station was deserted and dark. He grabbed by my hips roughly and pushed me against the sign board. He was a bit heavy to resist and very strong. I could feel all his strength come upon me. His big palms grabbing my neck, his lips locked mine. For a moment, I felt I was breathless and soon I might faint. He loosened a bit but his sharp teeth fed my lips. It was bleeding. I pushed him and tried to break free and then he went with his next move. His lips moved a bit lower and targeted my neck. I knew the hickeys are going to be pretty bad. As passionate as it could get, I realized I was no longer on my feet. His lips had already moved way down. I was in air, pushed against the wall and balanced on his hips. He almost tore my shirt and I realized it was just not worth. I know it was hopeless fighting and I unbuttoned it myself. 


The next train was there after about fifteen minutes and I felt it took eternity. Finally, I broke free. His smile revealed his satisfaction. His conquer over me. Though I wanted to scream at him for being such an animal, I didn't. I turned around and started walking home. I realized it was not that bad. I had no consent to anything that happened this evening, yet I did not regret. The scent on my body from the droplets of his forehead sweat, the taste of the blood from the bruise on my lips, the tiny marks on my body by his teeth, the pain when he took control and the little dizziness on my head by rush of the adrenaline- all meant something, a really raw passion. 

I came home and the first thing I saw were those evil marks on my body, all over. Hickeys. My neck was reddish dark and it looked like one battered cricket pitch after a rough game. I knew my mom will notice these in no second when she serves dinner. I wore a jacket, pulled up the collar. After coming back to my room, I rubbed them with vaseline and cream. It was already half hour, yet no use. I was not sure what I would tell those at work. I've no clue. Lets see who dares to ask. 

I just know what else will follow. I just hope he is over it. I feel terrible for what I have done. But there is really not much I did. Maybe I should convince myself like that. Another long night follows.

Neeya Naana

It has been a long time since I had the courage to watch a tv program discussing about marriage. It was Neeya Naana in Vijay TV and the topic was why do boys prefer 'city girls' to 'village girls' when it came to choosing their partner in marriage. At the risk of being said "look, what's wrong with all these boys deciding to get married in the first place. are they not humans? are you the only one trying to enjoy your life" and all that, I sat down to watch the program with mom and dad.

The show had two teams- one boys- who argued that 'city girls' are intolerant, arrogant, loose in their character and they take 'everything' easy, and - the girls team- which counter argued with just the one sentence- men want to dominate women. I felt the girls could have just said- so what if I'm arrogant, intolerant and 'easy' going- what's wrong. If you find fault- its just not about girls- its about the morality of people as a whole. And confining this to only 'city girls' was the most obnoxious thing. They could have argued better. The guests who came for the show did mention those and at least the point got driven to the boys group.

But the show at home was much interesting- sadly I had no guests at home to drive any sensible point. My mom started commenting that girls these days are really not good. They wear tight t-shirts and jeans-showing off everything in their body. She blamed that the IT culture in this country is getting worse. Roaming around with boyfriends and coming home late has become trend a bad thing for the 'Indian Culture'. She even went to the extent of saying- if these are being allowed- a time will come when identifying a child's father will become difficult. My father had his own point- all this is because letting women work and earn. They become arrogant and they cannot live in a joint family. Latter they both started abusing those guests on the show as well calling them- 'potta pasanga' and they all would have given birth to daughters and would have become rich by making them sleep with men. 

Initially I told them- generalization like that will not help. Not everyone is like that. And what if a girl wears tight clothes? My mom asked me doesn't that look vulgar. Honestly, to me it did not. I asked her, when boys can wear underwear and roam around the streets why these rules applied to girls. Are they not equal human beings? But I had to admit, even if a guy shows his thighs and walks on the road- I get turned on. I can understand what mom is telling on a heterosexual point of view. But I will not go and grope the guy because he is showing off. Right? Maybe not me. But I know some friends who have said- they can kidnap those cute boys and take them home. And one of them has actually done it- luring a young guy -without even knowing whether he is gay or not and getting 'things' done. Maybe it turns some people crazy. But that's not a majority right? People in general are good and not perverted all the time. Isn't it? I cannot agree with my mother. And my father definitely- No. I wonder will they have the same stand if they had daughters. Will they not allow her to work in IT or wear jean and t-shirt and have boyfriends or allow her to come home late from work. What if they were poor and the girl would need to work in a call-center. Would they have hated it?

I felt I was born in a family like a hundred years backward. I was so glad that I'm not getting married. It would have been hell for any daughter-in-law in our family. I wish my brother realizes and would live separately after his marriage.

 

I felt sorry for my parent's backward thinking. It was painful. Yet, I could not talk much. I know what I will hear back. I was totally convinced, I can never come-out to my parents. It felt it doesn't make a difference to come out to people who cannot even understand these simple facts on culture, equality and freedom- leave alone alternate sexuality. All they might think is- my son is a 'potta'. He want's to have sex with a man. Nothing more. 

My mom switched channel to TTD. Her daily ritual of praying God- onscreen before going to bed. This time I prayed too. Give them peace and let this be my last Janma- with them- as well. 

The Tree

My bus went past the building and I could see it has changed a lot. It used to a tall multistoried building and most of its front portion used to be hidden a huge tree. The tree was tall and had wide branches and was old. Definitely older than the building itself. Now the tree is gone. The building has got a face lift itself. Its got some new shiny glass facade with a huge banner of some store. There are about a dozen cars and motorbikes parked outside. Back then, it used to be a calm place where its visitors were only niche and very few. Its a cosmetic clinic and in the first floor was the dentist, the second floor had the cosmetic surgeon and the third a dermatologist who specialized in skin and hair.

My grandmother used to tell me that when I was born, the first thing everyone noticed was my nose. Even as a child, I had a very defined nose- sharp and long. I remember one of my neighbor aunt used to pinch and pull my nose and would say- she loves the shape of it and looks so good on me. My next door akka used to say she is so jealous of it and its looks so beautiful. I even remember the darlings of my earlier days used to be so turned on by the shape of it. However, he did not like it. He at least said so. He used to say- it could have been a little short, not too long and a little thin. Though he had said so many good things about me- the one thing he disliked topped my list to remember and fix. I wanted to make my nose smaller somehow, not because he would love me more- I didn't believe he could any better- but I had no real reason. For days, I kept staring at the mirror trying to figure out how to make it short. I put some clip on it to make it thin. It hurt. I tried making a short nose shape out of plaster and tried to fit in my nose in it. It again hurt but it did not get small. I knew it will not. So finally, I did step into the building for the very first time.

The cosmetologist, though at the expense of loosing his opportunity of a surgery did try to convince me that most people would be fine to live with a nose like mine. And especially men. He said if I go for it, it will be a surgery less complex by standards of rhinoplasty. Just a few bones to break, cut, grind and a few cuts and stitches on my nostrils. Sounded easy. But I know it can be risky as well. I enquired about the fee and I heard it right- four lakhs. The next thing I knew, I was there in the bank trying to figure out my account balance. I was short of about fifty thousand. I knew I can get a personal loan. I went and said the doctor I would want to get it done and would come latter to fix the date. I had to convince my mom first. 

I was not sure how to tell her. I came up with a story that I had sinus and doctor had advised me to operate on my nose to get it cured. Just so that she is not too curious, I added I'm anyways going for that surgery as I did not like my nose. It was big. I told it resembled that of that tamil villain in movies. Though she was not totally convinced, she did believe me. Now that everything is clear I thought I will get this done after my semester exams. But it never happened. We parted ways few weeks latter. The plans on my nose were dropped forever.

Again, few years latter, someone said he liked boys with beautiful smile and a smooth skin. I know I did not have them. I did not know even if I had them he would have liked me. Yet again I went to the same building- different floors. The dermatologist was so curious to know why I wanted to remove all my body hair- everywhere below my neck till my toe. Given the fact, I'm not too good looking to be a model to show off bare chests everyday for the camera, he just did not understand why. He carefully examined the hair at various parts of the body and said- it actually is tough for a dark skinned person to get lasered for hair removal. But still he can try and it might take a couple of sittings. Before going to this dermatologist, I also studied and did my own research. I read the surgery had its own complications. Skin scars, follicle in-growth, the risk of overexposure and cancer and the endless sittings to get everything removed. Most of all- it costs a fortune. 

A few days latter- am at the same building. This time with the dentist. He said, he can fix my teeth and bring a beautiful smile in a year's time. I had to wear braces for a year now! First of all, I hate braces. It hurts a lot. As a kid, I decided- even if my smile is going to be crooked, I will never-ever wear one again. It gave me headache and pains like hell. I was not sure if I could give up that resolve. I thought as a kid, if I had known that this 'smile thing' would become so important I would have endured them all. I never knew. I was not sure if I wanted to do it today either. 

In the weeks and months that followed- I would have visited the building a couple of times. Every time, I felt I can fix these hurdles up. I would be there in their clinics as if am new and hoping to hear something new- a new technology to fix my teeth and skin in a jiffy and hoping for a miracle 'cure'. But I heard the same answers. In addition- my head lost its hair by then. Now, I had a new requirement and the dermatologist also had to give me those endless consultations on hair transplantation, prescription on vitamins, shampoo, conditioners, vitalizers and yes of course- his specialty treatment-lasers. They now grew hair too. Not thoroughly convinced by the idea I would only get confused and return home.

After sometime, I just got tired of this whole get your beautiful smile and body- and be like one he likes idea. I realized, day by day I'm hating myself for the way I am. For the sake of pleasing someone else, even if I ever could, I cannot loose confidence on myself. I did realize it is just not only about the looks one would fall for either. Shouldn't I be loved the way I'm? And above all, no matter who loves me or not, I should love myself. If I'm not convinced that I'm good enough, who else would. 

Its been sometime now that I've seen or been to the building. Its 'makeover' occupants are gone. The building itself has got a face-lift. New glass facade and some gleaming neon lamps. Its like showing off that its got new and modern. Though I did like the new building- its new looks, I did miss the huge tree. It did hide most part of the building but gave the charm that these new colorful lights didn't. The cement parking lot and the luxury cars are no match to those dried flowers and leaves that almost filled the entrance of the building though looked not so neat. The bright new paint is no comparison to the natural shade from the canopy of the tree that hid the worn off paint of the building. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and someone thought the tree is not part of the building's beauty. 

Unlike the building I had a choice on the tree- imperfections. Am ♥ing it... 


At least, that's the state of mind till I hear him say it again. 

(Well, that's my crazy mind speaking, I should just ignore him now...)

A Happy New Year

Sometimes life is just so funny. Consider this thought- I have so many friends now: all just a call away, my parents are just across the street and.. still, I feel they are so far away. I'm feeling so lonely. At these moments, there is just one voice that resonates- my moms: "all am worried about is how will you be handling things alone". Today I feel it is so true. Even if I had a partner, it really is not certain we will live together.. so it is not about having a partner. Its just the thought of having no one with you- now. And talking about partner, that is one depressing thought in itself- omg, where the hell is he, if at all he is ever existing? I wish God just gave me one simple clue- or an answer to that question. To make things simple and find a companion, here is a weird parallel thought. Can I just marry a girl and have a kid and lead 'some' life? Maybe we can adopt a kid, maybe I can just tell the girl about myself and we can live our lives separately. Maybe we can just be good friends.. I don't select gender for friends- do I? But, hey remember, she is gonna be just your friend. Will she be ok just that? Don't people have desires and expectations? Above all, what do I need- am I ok with just companionship? Don't i need a shoulder to lean on? It can't be her. I need a man. I'm still sexually active. Oh crap. I can't imagine I'm even thinking about this... ha ha, bloody ha. How funny is this ;)

It is hard to realize and accept that there is no perfect cure for loneliness and to even know the cause sometimes. These days, my heart is just light.. it doesn't get heavy with love. It is just plain simple and uncomplicated in many ways- that I always wished for. Yes, sometimes, it just feels lonely. What do I do? I keep staring at the FB and PR pages- no new stories or messages. God, am bordering on getting addicted, obsessed and desperate :) or have I already? Let me start with some hobbies and keep myself engaged.. 
but can it all substitute love?

I'm not going to be pulled down by this thought, today is a new year day.. let me make some resolutions and see if I can keep them up. I need to cook some dish today evening.. I read a couple of recipes on the internet.. Maybe I will ask my mother.. but not before I take a quick nap. Wishing myself a very happy and cheerful new year.. keep smiling sweet little heart.. you have a great journey ahead :)

and, here is video i saw today that made me cry- right on the first day of the year.. damn.