Identity

About five years ago, I decided to learn driving and enrolled in a driving school. The intention was very clear- to learn driving, buy a car and use it in case of emergencies when my mother would need it. It was only then I had met him. I used to bunk my driving classes every weekend to go to Pondi. I felt guilty, but the drive towards him was much more than anything else in those days. When I told him how bad I felt by not attending my driving classes, he said- I don't have to learn driving. He said he would relocate to Chennai soon after his studies and maybe if he stays near my house- its like having a doctor next door or in my own house and why worry then. He said since he knows driving and would always be around me- he will come to rescue in case of emergency. He also said there is a hidden intention in never wanting me to learn a bike in particular. He always wanted me to be only one licensed to sit next to him and hold him tight when he rides and that I should always be dependent on him in my journey. I quit the driving class.


Times changed. Few months after we parted ways, I resumed driving class- this time with a vengeance- I'm alone, I can do it alone and I need no one's help. Easily said. I felt I could not concentrate on anything. I quit everything and a break followed.


Three years ago, I came back and by that time my brother has learnt driving and so we bought a car. My initial reason to learn drive a car has found a solution. Still it felt like some unfinished task. A year ago, soon after I completed my exams- my other unfinished task that took a break- I resumed driving class. For some reason or the other, fifteen driving classes to be completed in seven weekends took me a year. And that too- I've taken only nine of those classes. I cheated four classes by putting the signature on the attendance card myself. I chose to skip the last two classes.


Before a month, I took my first driving test and failed, though I did reasonably well given the condition of the vehicle and my state of mind. However, many passed the test with the same vehicle. May be there is something wrong with me. I was too nervous. I requested my brother to help me learn driving- in his car. He let me drive his car four times over a three weekend period. I was doing reasonably well. I knew I will pass if I take the test again. But my brother was not confident yet. He said I was just too nervous to drive. Just days before the test there was another cycle of events that totally put me off track.


I took the test few days ago and finally I passed. I did not do great- but fine in learner's standards. I was able to check-mark a task I started years ago. Though this time I had no particular intention on why I wanted this license, it made me feel good. I probably will not be renewing this license after twenty years and I dread taking the test again. I wish eventually they would have invented flying cars with auto pilots and no gears by then. Until then this license will serve the purpose of an identity card. A fitting gift and a testimonial for all the years of trial I went through while trying to obtain this license: There is always an 'identity' that everyone possess that can never be revealed to the outside world and far beyond the outer appearance and image they portray, and when done- it is pure disaster.

Listening to You

It was Q&A session. The country head of my organisation along with some management members were there ready to answer us. It was a large audience, about three hundred and fifty approximately from various departments in Chennai and we were gathered for the day to hear about our future directions. After a day long session, Q&A happens to be the one everyone would be eagerly waiting for, still- always starts with a long silence for few minutes- until the bravest one would start with the dumbest question. 


It gains momentum from then on and gets interesting. However, after just fifteen minutes I realized everyone is almost asking the same question probably phrased differently and how the management managed to answer them differently and inconsistently all the time. It happens. I had a question in mind but was not sure whether to ask. It was about a recent announcement made by our partner in media. I wanted to confirm the news before asking, so I quickly borrowed my colleagues mobile and searched for the news. Bingo! I got it and was sure if I should ask this question, everyone would wake up from the slumber. Everyone- for once- would start thinking about their 'old question' in a different perspective and how irrelevant it is, because I have news for them. Am sure it would make the country head scratch his head and fumble while answering because of this unexpected twist to his anticipated questions in this session. Maybe appreciating my brilliance, acumen and knowledge, I was even expecting him to make an open offer- in front of the crowd-to join his management team which I would politely decline in public- just to make everyone super jealous and praise my arrogance. But I would secretly accept the offer latter.


I raised my hand and promptly a mike landed. Before I could stand and ask the question, I heard someone has already started asking theirs. Next would be my turn, I thought. That was the time I heard it. I suddenly felt that something in me that has been sleeping silently has woken up and was asking for attention. It was my heart beat. It rapidly but steadily started beating faster and faster. My muscles were getting stiff. I could feel the blood gush through my neck and up my head and flow back to my heart. My bones were frozen and my eyes were feeling the pressure of the gushing blood in its capillaries. My lips were  tight and refused to open. My breathing almost stopped because of the heaviness in my chest. I knew this is called panic attack and has struck me again. 


This time, though people around me were urging me to ask the question- as I had the mike in my hand and already many more questions were asked, I knew am still not ready and also knew the attention was not on me completely-a relief. I wanted to explore what is happening with me. I wanted to listen to my body. I was soon relaxed by mind but my heart was still racing. I knew it will panic during moments like this but soon will get back to normalcy. After few minutes- which felt like ages, I thought I had regained myself and was ready to wait for the current answer to be finished to ask my question. But the moment the thought struck, my heart raced again. This time faster and furious than before. I listened to its rhythm carefully. It attained peak speed. The beat was so loud and strong that I could feel my body shake with it and thought the person sitting next to me might hear it. Suddenly like a sprint runner finishing his lap and crashing down, the beat dropped drastically. It was just one per two or three seconds and every time it did, I could feel the blood chock my veins and arteries by the sudden flooding. I thought I might actually pass-out if it continues. But didn't, it returned to normalcy, I thought.


The cycle of the rhythmic increase in heart rate and sudden drop happened every time I attempted to raise. I curiously experimented with pushing my body to limits and trying to bring it back to normalcy a couple of times. After I heard from the speaker that he is taking the last few questions- I decided I should go. But I felt the cycle repeat. I could not. It was too painful and I was very tired. I heard the girl behind me ask for the mike and I gave it to her. I heard her ask her question loud and bold without hesitation and fear. While I was still recuperating from the cycles of panic my fragile heart went through, I thought it is not worth it after all. And moreover, what is the use of all the questions asked. Look at all these guys- they thought they will change something by asking those questions. But what happened- they just got answered without an effort- the management maintaining and defending everything they did/ do was right and making sure none gets an action point. Its just not worth the pain. 
Got reminded of the fox and the grapes story... 

Stages

I've longed for many things over many stages of my life. My longing as a child, as an adolescent, as an young adult and a grown up man. I had foresight of what is coming next. I was able to convince this is how it is or will be whenever I came across things I was not designed for- I knew I was different, just like many others. I made my own rules to accommodate and manage my longings in the best possible way. 
But never thought handling the stage of parenthood will be this difficult. 


Over the recent days, I think I've somehow reached the stage where I can go to any extent of madness to have a child. Maybe not my own but one I could say myself it 'could' be mine, ours, or at-least my man's. A dangerous thought. My parenthood is kicking so hard in me. I'm longing to raise a child. To watch them smile, cuddle, cry and sleep. To spend hours trying to teach them eat on their own, learn and be anxious as they grow. To understand and be a responsible parent in raising them. To watch them settle, find their love and have their children. Just like the way my parents would have wished for. 


Sometimes it gives a crazy thought of why not get married to a girl and have a child and just get over with it. I wish life could be just easy as that. As I know, stages and emotions of mind are not exclusive. They are overlapping complexities. Just like my longing for a child, I still believe and stand by the thought that someone's life cannot be taken for granted for my longing at one particular stage.


These days, very often, my nights are not filled with the loneliness of not having someone next to me. Its not the comfort of his arms around me or warmth that I used to long for earlier. Its the loneliness that misses the touch of those soft and tender hands wrapped around my fingers holding tight. That innocent face that sleeps sound feeling secure in my arms. To wake up midnight when they cry and call for attention. I dream a lot on what future beholds my child. Realizing am still alone- and my dream will be just a dream and my loneliness is there to stay- I feel my heart is too heavy to even cry. Will soon realize its just a stage. I will pull it through. 


Just wondering on the amazing aspect of life and the design of the human mind as such. Its longing for things as it got to be at the right stage. Gives me a feeling that am not different after all. I'm complex. I'm human. 


Could it have been better if not human? How about life as simple as those of birds, they seem to be chirpy and happy all the time. So it seems. Maybe they are thinking the same way as I do, they want to be human- powerful, strong and could have ultimate control over everything. They do not know humans have a tough time controlling and managing their own emotions and feelings which is the most difficult thing to do. I could tell them definitely- its not worth trying. 

Dreamy days

He made a fist with his left hand, twisted his wrist, gently punched it against his right palm. He did the cycle with his right hand, kept repeating it and walked past my desk in his usual carefree style. I was staring at him as he walked away and suddenly as if called by some intuition he turned back and saw me stare. Yet another day I was caught red-handed. I turned back and started writing this.


I knew him for a good period of time now. A shy guy whom I heard is very good at his work, clam and soft spoken. Intelligent yet level headed he is admired for being professional and cool. Everyone says those who work under him are very lucky to have got an excellent manager. I too wish I have worked under him. Literally :P

He is not my type of guy. Fair, sophisticated, soft spoken and elegant. He has a totally hairless body and is so defined and shaped that defies his age. Definitely not my type. Maybe its because I so want to be like that and jealous. However every time I see him, I could definitely see my heart race faster. It is just his charm that attracts me. He is one of those guys where my fantasy does not get restricted with just being in bed. It starts with the moment of proposal, marriage and growing old and aging.

He arrives after half hour I usally arrive office and everyday I look forward the moment he would breeze past me- my desk. This is a daily ritual and so woven and twined in my otherwise boring office life. There had been only very few occasions I had conversations with him and they were very brief. Usually an easy going jolly person, he seemed reserved to me. Though there were moments he had to interact with me, he will try to avoid it as much as possible. Maybe he wants to get things done without the help of anyone. Or maybe he is not comfortable with me. Once I had the opportunity to work him (no, not under yet :P) and I could not stop staring at him. I had to find reasons to get out of the project as I was not contributing anything productive than getting my mind filled with his thoughts and staring at him in meetings. Over a period of time, he had also noticed my very strange stare and attention to him and he used to respond with a cold walk as if saying- stop it please. I will immediately turn away. But have never stopped. During the initial days it all felt strange, the stare, the cold response and all that. Eventually it became a routine and we just got used to it.

Few days back I heard he has resigned and is moving out in another couple of days. He was not in his seat and was not present in office. The whole day I kept staring at his place- now and then- and it felt as if am gonna miss something huge. A day latter when he returned, I just could not stop but feel how much I will miss him when he is no longer there.

I noticed he has become more casual and happy as he is in his last few days with the organization. I just don't know if I would ever know his last day working day or will he be including me in the final adieu mail he would send everyone. I was curious to know what he would have thought about me during all these days. A jerk? Even if it is bad, I would want to know.

I never had or will have the courage to go and have a casual conversation with him. I will not even be able to say goodbye to him on his last day.


Realizing my desires for him, I feel scared. What if all my desires and wishes for him are not fulfilled in this birth- which is for sure, and God decides to give me second chance and curse me with another birth.

I'm not sure on how far I have control over those re-birth stuff. But I'm sure I can bury all my desires and wish for nothing- hoping it will prevent it.  But, if God will decide on fulfilling my desire in my next birth, getting married to him and live life king (err.. queen) size,  why would I be a fool to not accept that. Now am I desiring for a next birth to have all those unfulfilled wishes? That's so not me..
Well, too much dreaming for a day :)

Lonely day

தோல்வியில் தனிமையை தழிவிட கண்டேன் 

தனிமையை ஒழித்திட தோல்வியும் கண்டேன் 

பிணி நீக்கும் மருந்தென்று உறக்கம் கொண்டேன் 

சரித்திரம் தொடர்வது கணவாய் கண்டேன் 

விழித்தேன் தனிமயிலே. 

List

Though he was the latest in my to-meet list, he was already topping it. He was on fast-track I guess. Usually it takes a long time from the first conversation to the day I meet them in person. Been the trend for years now. But for some reason, I was totally impressed by him and agreed to meet him immediately. It could be because of various reasons- he is irresistibly handsome; married; has a kid; well read; believer in love; too flirtatious; flatters me a lot; a lot more and am desperate. The deadly combination.

We had a long chat over the messenger today, discussion on books- and how an illiterate I am; on chocolates, beaches, vacation, kids, marriage, fashion, perfume, travel and Chennai. Even though, if I had known him to be with none among my fantasized combination, I realized just this conversation would have made me very comfortable with him. He said he could feel some kind of connection between us and that he is thrilled. He said, it might be too early to propose but he felt like doing it... He said I'm special. I did not know how to respond. I thought I was not able to feel the same way because I was not normal enough to feel emotions anymore. I thought maybe I should seriously consider others feelings before rejecting them outright. Finally when he asked me how I felt, I could respond him with no more than a 'smiley'. He asked me not be shy and say it by words. I again responded with a smiley. Smiley are my way of saying 'I don't know' and he took it as my shy way of agreement with him. He said he liked my shyness and my smileys. He said we should meet tomorrow. I agreed. I asked if we can exchange numbers so that it will be easy to spot each other tomorrow. He responded saying he has 'photographic' memory and can find me easily at the venue. 

It was late in the night already and he said its time to hit bed and logged off. Though not excited at all about meeting him, secretly I was curious. I was feeling a bit guilty for not being too open about how I felt for him- about my numbness for emotions. I thought I have agreed to meet him out of rush and I know I still have my reservations in having a relationship with a married man. 

Not able to sleep I was browsing the internet and after few hours, I saw him online again. I thought I will open up.

Me: Hi... not slept yet?

Him: no

Me: so... had dinner?

Him: Sorry- I'm not sure who you are?

Me: ok... we had a chat for few hours today.. we decided to meet tomorrow @....  (place)

Him: hhmm... I had a chat with few today... can I now your name?

Me: :)

Him: s

Me: :)

I understood he had a bigger 'to-meet' list than mine that can't be remembered, and am not even present in the added contact list of his messenger, or maybe got deleted after the conversation :)

I remember him saying he could spend only two hours maximum with me. I know why now. Needs talent to hold a time-pass conversation like that, with many simultaneously and proposing a meeting at the same place.  

He should be one busy guy tomorrow. But will have at least two hours of free time with no company in the evening. 

I logged off.

A trip to the past

As I neared the place, I felt someone was chasing me in the bike. The same smile swept my face and I looked through the window of my bus. None I knew was there. Though its been years I visited the place last, it just felt the same way as it did that very first day. Unlike the anxiety and excitement I had the fist time, I was just very calm. My motive for this visit is very simple. To re-visit that moment and re-create the first day we spent together. I've always been fine living with my memories adorning my present.


I wanted to go the restaurant where we had our first dinner together. I still remember he was too concerned whether or not I would like the place and the food there. I wanted to sit on the rock at the beach where we spoke for a long time that night. I wanted to get a glimpse of his home where we spent our night latter. I wanted to have my lunch at the restaurant in the colonial building and the juice shop where we both watched tv. I also wanted to go to the temple we first visited together. And finally wanted to bid bye as the bus would start and take me back home.


Soon after landing in the bus stop, I realized I have grown old. I could not remember a single name- the restaurant, the street, the shop or a place. I kept walking as far as I can in hope of finding the restaurant we had our dinner. Could not find it. I hired an auto and told to him reach some locality and was wandering without an address to find his home. Every street and house resembled his home. Not sure what to do, I mentioned the temple name we visited and he drove me there. I remembered the juice shop and the colonial restaurant where we had lunch were near the temple. I reached the temple, it was still the same- modern yet nice.


I walked around the place and found all the streets looked almost similar and I could not locate the restaurant. I remember the school he studied and stood before the gates where he once was proudly telling me stories about it. I walked some more. I asked for directions. None were able to help me with my hint- a juice shop at the corner that had a tv and a restaurant that is nice.


Finally I gave up on the juice shop and restaurant. I went to the temple. When I took the holy ash near my forehead, I got reminded on how he was eagerly waiting for that moment that day and he did it for me. With a smile I sat in the same place we both sat in silence. Before I started this trip, I was resolved that I should only feel happy for those moments we spent together. Never think about the present. However, when I realized my eyes are getting moist, I was filled with guilt that I might be unhappy. I was worried that my unhappiness might cast a spell or something on him and will create troubles for him. I prayed God that He should keep him happy no matter what. I left the temple before the welled up tears formed a stream.


I walked towards the beach. I was able to recognize some place there. The place where he parked his bike and the closed ice-cream shop where he wanted to buy me something. Its a Sunday evening and the beach was pretty crowded. I liked people watching. The entire beach stretch is filled with boulders of huge rocks. Its impossible to locate ours where we sat. I settled myself on one of them. I remember him explaining about those rock posts in the middle of the sea. I kept staring on the endless sea and the merging sky and the strong breeze. It seemed as if the roaring sea, the passing clouds and the wind spoke to me and assured me- he is doing well and will be taken care. I knew my trip is complete just hearing that.


I started back home, peeping out of the window hoping to get a glimpse of his face one more time.
He was there again, chasing me in his bike and waving me bye.
My memories are stronger than I thought. 

A 'To-Meet' Month

April is not that hectic this time. Work is not heavy, weekends are free and I am totally bored. I made a point, this month, I will complete all the things I was planning to-do. The top most in the to-do list is the 'To-Meet' task with list of those friends I've made all these years and never met even once or a long time.

First on the list was Mr. Crazy Lover Boy and his John Abraham boy friend. If I could just sum up my feelings after the meeting- I felt really good for them but at the same time, I started to have a feeling that- I was never in love nor do I even know the real meaning of it. Maybe its been so long ago I had experienced someone love me, it felt a bit alien to realize what is love and it felt extraordinary. Maybe theirs is the one everyone calls divine love. Whatever I saw between those guys, I wish it remains forever. 

Second I met is a friend whom I used to chat with for years now and have not met him, though he lives only a kilometer away from my home. A nice good looking guy, married and has a small kid. Its summer time and his wife and the kid are away to their grandparents home for vacation. So I made a comfortable visit to his place. Though he talks nice over the phone and chats, he was found to be not much of a talker in person. From the moment I entered his home all his attention was to get laid. Finally, we made out. After few moments, I thought its time to leave. The guy realized he has not reached climax yet and insisted I give him company even if am not totally interested in participation. I obliged. Since his family would be away for following few weeks, we decided to meet often, and we did. And each time we did the same thing again and again. 

Usually at these moments of non-participation and yet, to be present and supportive due to obligation, I would feel irritated and would cease to have a relationship with the guy. But for some reason, I kept going... I thought I liked casual sex. I thought I have gone few years back in my life where- making love was mere union of bodies and no emotions felt whatsoever. 

Next on the 'to-meet' list, someone I met in chat before few years and been in touch over the phone and chat, and whom I'm very comfortable with. I met him this evening at a coffee shop and he had come along with his friend. He is nearing forty yet was strikingly handsome and sexy. He is well read, jovial, and great in conversations. When I heard he is having dates every other day, I thought no wonder. On a side note, I realized the coffee shop had the best chocolate truffle and am planning to visit there as often I can.

Primarily in all my conversation with him till date, all he could talk about was sex and in particular b-jobs. He thinks he is the man born to rule the world with his charm and tool. Self confident. By his looks and latter seeing him in action, I thought he is worth to be proud about it and he actually should and can be over-confident by standards. 

We went to his apartment and started making out. I realized he is a great kisser and could easily say he is the best. He said we should do more. He is a dominant person in bed and very active. His greatest fantasy is to get b-js from boys kicked in and insisted. Of course, he has great ideas that makes them interesting too without making one feel- used. 

When I said he needs a condom for the b-j he laughed aloud and asked me if that was a joke. I explained bare ones are only for my 'special man'. He then said, then we should have real sex and asked- have I ever been penetrated. When I answered that in negative too, he smiled and sat up. He looked in my eyes closely for a couple of minutes without blinking, held my face and said, 'you never had sex all your life'. 

He held my head to his chest and I lay there for a while. To lighten the moment, he asked me about my encounters in sex and my experiences and fantasies. After hearing them all, he made jokes out of them that made me laugh and think. He said it is too late to even think about whether to have or not have sex and the 'opportunity' to break the spell was right there in front of me. He has his own charm of getting things done. After the initial resistance I tried. But I could not go further. 

I was on his chest again, thinking blank. As I kept fiddling with the hair on his chest feeling his warmth, he whispered in my ears that I had the best body and mind in business that neither should be ruined by casual sex nor be preserved unused. I smiled. He held me tight and kissed on my forehead. We knew its time to leave. 

With a body and mind that felt like floating in thin air, I walked back home, wondering how simple have I been with needs and expectations in love and sex. And how easier my life is becoming now, with even much simpler expectation and needs than it was before. 
Perfectly satisfied in its own way-maybe not by definition, but as I know and want it.

Love

Some nice quotes- Some modified :)

♥♥

"Faith makes all things possible.
Love makes them easy."

♥♥

"It breaks your heart to see the one you love is with someone else,
but it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy without him"

♥♥

"If love is the answer,
can you please repeat the question?"

♥♥

"Love makes life so confusing, but without love
would you really want to live?"

♥♥

"No one is perfect until you fall in love with them."

♥♥

My Next Move

:) :) :) :)