I've longed for many things over many stages of my life. My longing as a child, as an adolescent, as an young adult and a grown up man. I had foresight of what is coming next. I was able to convince this is how it is or will be whenever I came across things I was not designed for- I knew I was different, just like many others. I made my own rules to accommodate and manage my longings in the best possible way.
But never thought handling the stage of parenthood will be this difficult.
Over the recent days, I think I've somehow reached the stage where I can go to any extent of madness to have a child. Maybe not my own but one I could say myself it 'could' be mine, ours, or at-least my man's. A dangerous thought. My parenthood is kicking so hard in me. I'm longing to raise a child. To watch them smile, cuddle, cry and sleep. To spend hours trying to teach them eat on their own, learn and be anxious as they grow. To understand and be a responsible parent in raising them. To watch them settle, find their love and have their children. Just like the way my parents would have wished for.
Sometimes it gives a crazy thought of why not get married to a girl and have a child and just get over with it. I wish life could be just easy as that. As I know, stages and emotions of mind are not exclusive. They are overlapping complexities. Just like my longing for a child, I still believe and stand by the thought that someone's life cannot be taken for granted for my longing at one particular stage.
These days, very often, my nights are not filled with the loneliness of not having someone next to me. Its not the comfort of his arms around me or warmth that I used to long for earlier. Its the loneliness that misses the touch of those soft and tender hands wrapped around my fingers holding tight. That innocent face that sleeps sound feeling secure in my arms. To wake up midnight when they cry and call for attention. I dream a lot on what future beholds my child. Realizing am still alone- and my dream will be just a dream and my loneliness is there to stay- I feel my heart is too heavy to even cry. Will soon realize its just a stage. I will pull it through.
Just wondering on the amazing aspect of life and the design of the human mind as such. Its longing for things as it got to be at the right stage. Gives me a feeling that am not different after all. I'm complex. I'm human.
Could it have been better if not human? How about life as simple as those of birds, they seem to be chirpy and happy all the time. So it seems. Maybe they are thinking the same way as I do, they want to be human- powerful, strong and could have ultimate control over everything. They do not know humans have a tough time controlling and managing their own emotions and feelings which is the most difficult thing to do. I could tell them definitely- its not worth trying.
But never thought handling the stage of parenthood will be this difficult.
Over the recent days, I think I've somehow reached the stage where I can go to any extent of madness to have a child. Maybe not my own but one I could say myself it 'could' be mine, ours, or at-least my man's. A dangerous thought. My parenthood is kicking so hard in me. I'm longing to raise a child. To watch them smile, cuddle, cry and sleep. To spend hours trying to teach them eat on their own, learn and be anxious as they grow. To understand and be a responsible parent in raising them. To watch them settle, find their love and have their children. Just like the way my parents would have wished for.
Sometimes it gives a crazy thought of why not get married to a girl and have a child and just get over with it. I wish life could be just easy as that. As I know, stages and emotions of mind are not exclusive. They are overlapping complexities. Just like my longing for a child, I still believe and stand by the thought that someone's life cannot be taken for granted for my longing at one particular stage.
These days, very often, my nights are not filled with the loneliness of not having someone next to me. Its not the comfort of his arms around me or warmth that I used to long for earlier. Its the loneliness that misses the touch of those soft and tender hands wrapped around my fingers holding tight. That innocent face that sleeps sound feeling secure in my arms. To wake up midnight when they cry and call for attention. I dream a lot on what future beholds my child. Realizing am still alone- and my dream will be just a dream and my loneliness is there to stay- I feel my heart is too heavy to even cry. Will soon realize its just a stage. I will pull it through.
Just wondering on the amazing aspect of life and the design of the human mind as such. Its longing for things as it got to be at the right stage. Gives me a feeling that am not different after all. I'm complex. I'm human.
Could it have been better if not human? How about life as simple as those of birds, they seem to be chirpy and happy all the time. So it seems. Maybe they are thinking the same way as I do, they want to be human- powerful, strong and could have ultimate control over everything. They do not know humans have a tough time controlling and managing their own emotions and feelings which is the most difficult thing to do. I could tell them definitely- its not worth trying.
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