It was Q&A session. The country head of my organisation along with some management members were there ready to answer us. It was a large audience, about three hundred and fifty approximately from various departments in Chennai and we were gathered for the day to hear about our future directions. After a day long session, Q&A happens to be the one everyone would be eagerly waiting for, still- always starts with a long silence for few minutes- until the bravest one would start with the dumbest question.
It gains momentum from then on and gets interesting. However, after just fifteen minutes I realized everyone is almost asking the same question probably phrased differently and how the management managed to answer them differently and inconsistently all the time. It happens. I had a question in mind but was not sure whether to ask. It was about a recent announcement made by our partner in media. I wanted to confirm the news before asking, so I quickly borrowed my colleagues mobile and searched for the news. Bingo! I got it and was sure if I should ask this question, everyone would wake up from the slumber. Everyone- for once- would start thinking about their 'old question' in a different perspective and how irrelevant it is, because I have news for them. Am sure it would make the country head scratch his head and fumble while answering because of this unexpected twist to his anticipated questions in this session. Maybe appreciating my brilliance, acumen and knowledge, I was even expecting him to make an open offer- in front of the crowd-to join his management team which I would politely decline in public- just to make everyone super jealous and praise my arrogance. But I would secretly accept the offer latter.
I raised my hand and promptly a mike landed. Before I could stand and ask the question, I heard someone has already started asking theirs. Next would be my turn, I thought. That was the time I heard it. I suddenly felt that something in me that has been sleeping silently has woken up and was asking for attention. It was my heart beat. It rapidly but steadily started beating faster and faster. My muscles were getting stiff. I could feel the blood gush through my neck and up my head and flow back to my heart. My bones were frozen and my eyes were feeling the pressure of the gushing blood in its capillaries. My lips were tight and refused to open. My breathing almost stopped because of the heaviness in my chest. I knew this is called panic attack and has struck me again.
This time, though people around me were urging me to ask the question- as I had the mike in my hand and already many more questions were asked, I knew am still not ready and also knew the attention was not on me completely-a relief. I wanted to explore what is happening with me. I wanted to listen to my body. I was soon relaxed by mind but my heart was still racing. I knew it will panic during moments like this but soon will get back to normalcy. After few minutes- which felt like ages, I thought I had regained myself and was ready to wait for the current answer to be finished to ask my question. But the moment the thought struck, my heart raced again. This time faster and furious than before. I listened to its rhythm carefully. It attained peak speed. The beat was so loud and strong that I could feel my body shake with it and thought the person sitting next to me might hear it. Suddenly like a sprint runner finishing his lap and crashing down, the beat dropped drastically. It was just one per two or three seconds and every time it did, I could feel the blood chock my veins and arteries by the sudden flooding. I thought I might actually pass-out if it continues. But didn't, it returned to normalcy, I thought.
The cycle of the rhythmic increase in heart rate and sudden drop happened every time I attempted to raise. I curiously experimented with pushing my body to limits and trying to bring it back to normalcy a couple of times. After I heard from the speaker that he is taking the last few questions- I decided I should go. But I felt the cycle repeat. I could not. It was too painful and I was very tired. I heard the girl behind me ask for the mike and I gave it to her. I heard her ask her question loud and bold without hesitation and fear. While I was still recuperating from the cycles of panic my fragile heart went through, I thought it is not worth it after all. And moreover, what is the use of all the questions asked. Look at all these guys- they thought they will change something by asking those questions. But what happened- they just got answered without an effort- the management maintaining and defending everything they did/ do was right and making sure none gets an action point. Its just not worth the pain.
Got reminded of the fox and the grapes story...
It gains momentum from then on and gets interesting. However, after just fifteen minutes I realized everyone is almost asking the same question probably phrased differently and how the management managed to answer them differently and inconsistently all the time. It happens. I had a question in mind but was not sure whether to ask. It was about a recent announcement made by our partner in media. I wanted to confirm the news before asking, so I quickly borrowed my colleagues mobile and searched for the news. Bingo! I got it and was sure if I should ask this question, everyone would wake up from the slumber. Everyone- for once- would start thinking about their 'old question' in a different perspective and how irrelevant it is, because I have news for them. Am sure it would make the country head scratch his head and fumble while answering because of this unexpected twist to his anticipated questions in this session. Maybe appreciating my brilliance, acumen and knowledge, I was even expecting him to make an open offer- in front of the crowd-to join his management team which I would politely decline in public- just to make everyone super jealous and praise my arrogance. But I would secretly accept the offer latter.
I raised my hand and promptly a mike landed. Before I could stand and ask the question, I heard someone has already started asking theirs. Next would be my turn, I thought. That was the time I heard it. I suddenly felt that something in me that has been sleeping silently has woken up and was asking for attention. It was my heart beat. It rapidly but steadily started beating faster and faster. My muscles were getting stiff. I could feel the blood gush through my neck and up my head and flow back to my heart. My bones were frozen and my eyes were feeling the pressure of the gushing blood in its capillaries. My lips were tight and refused to open. My breathing almost stopped because of the heaviness in my chest. I knew this is called panic attack and has struck me again.
This time, though people around me were urging me to ask the question- as I had the mike in my hand and already many more questions were asked, I knew am still not ready and also knew the attention was not on me completely-a relief. I wanted to explore what is happening with me. I wanted to listen to my body. I was soon relaxed by mind but my heart was still racing. I knew it will panic during moments like this but soon will get back to normalcy. After few minutes- which felt like ages, I thought I had regained myself and was ready to wait for the current answer to be finished to ask my question. But the moment the thought struck, my heart raced again. This time faster and furious than before. I listened to its rhythm carefully. It attained peak speed. The beat was so loud and strong that I could feel my body shake with it and thought the person sitting next to me might hear it. Suddenly like a sprint runner finishing his lap and crashing down, the beat dropped drastically. It was just one per two or three seconds and every time it did, I could feel the blood chock my veins and arteries by the sudden flooding. I thought I might actually pass-out if it continues. But didn't, it returned to normalcy, I thought.
The cycle of the rhythmic increase in heart rate and sudden drop happened every time I attempted to raise. I curiously experimented with pushing my body to limits and trying to bring it back to normalcy a couple of times. After I heard from the speaker that he is taking the last few questions- I decided I should go. But I felt the cycle repeat. I could not. It was too painful and I was very tired. I heard the girl behind me ask for the mike and I gave it to her. I heard her ask her question loud and bold without hesitation and fear. While I was still recuperating from the cycles of panic my fragile heart went through, I thought it is not worth it after all. And moreover, what is the use of all the questions asked. Look at all these guys- they thought they will change something by asking those questions. But what happened- they just got answered without an effort- the management maintaining and defending everything they did/ do was right and making sure none gets an action point. Its just not worth the pain.
Got reminded of the fox and the grapes story...
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