Once more

'I don't know why I'm here'- these were the only words I thought could fill the description field of my profile.  I opened up a profile in a dating site for myself after quite a long time again. But after opening I did not know what to do next. I was questioning myself why am I opening this profile. As I was staring at the screen a message from someone 'decent' popped up. It read 'you will soon realize it'.

I knew for sure, I was not there for some action or for dating someone. Not for making friends either. Was it just for browsing and going through profiles? Didn't seem to be like that too, I had better sites to look at hot men. 

After five minutes, I thanked the guy for the message and deleted my profile. I still didn't know why I opened my profile. One possible answer is loneliness. Hard to accept, but it might be. But then I had to find better ways to handle it than doing something I didn't know why.


Thought of searching a nice image for this post, and began searching them by words that best describes what I need... and finally I thought it was just a hug. 


And I could not stop smiling at what I found :)

Goodbye Kiss

My only question was- are you planning to get married or not? Finally he told me he would. From the day he said he wanted to get married, I became restless and nerve wrecked. It was too much pressure on me. I never asked him to not get married. I knew I have to respect his decision. It is unfair to be selfish in love. All I asked him was, why did he not take this decision few years ago before we met for which, I never got an answer. I quickly made my own selfish plan and was waiting for the day to accomplish.


After few days he came to see me while attending his friend's wedding in Chennai. It was already decided we will not bring up the subject of his marriage during this visit. From the moment I saw him coming towards me, my eyes saw nothing but him. He was his usual- funny and joyful self, teasing me and cracking jokes. I wanted to enjoy every second with him. I wanted to see him smile as much as possible. I wanted to hear him talk and talk forever and watched his face without blinking as he spoke. I wish I had the power to remember every second I spent with him that I could rejoice forever. I found every way to spend more time with him- deciding on the restaurant, taking the longest route to reach, deciding on the table, taking a long time to order and then ordering them one after another and every other silly reasons. Still time flew. He is always sweet and courteous towards everyone and that day I found him even more charming and captivating than ever. I loved the way he talked politely and his manners would define humanity. He has profound knowledge on every subject but I thought he still lacked the power to read what I had in my mind that day. I had always thought how lucky I'm to meet this perfect person in my life. But immediately I used to  'touch wood' so that this joy lasts forever. I then realized that the old touch wood trick did not work and knew my happiness is coming to an end. 


During the entire time I spent with him that day, I had to fight tears and emotions and act normal. Nevertheless the pain was worth it. I saw him smile, laugh and when he had his arms around my shoulder I felt I was in heaven. I did not want to spoil that moment with some thoughts that would spoil his happiness. He said he felt very happy for the time we spent together. I saw his happiest face that day. While we were walking along a deserted stretch of road, he wanted to kiss me. He was bold as ever. I did not agree as it was public, instead I asked him if he could spend the night with me in a hotel. I wanted to make and see him happy in every possible way that day. He said he has to leave that evening and cannot stay.


Its been few hours with him and I had started to look into my watch frantically realizing that the moment is coming to an end. He sensed how often I was looking at my watch and asked do I have another appointment with someone. My eyes filled with tears and he started consoling me that it was just a joke without knowing the real reason. I did not say that this would be the last few minutes I would spend with him forever and how painful it was while the clock ticks away every second of it. Few minutes before he left, we were holding hands and spoke nothing. Our hearts spoke just in silence. He left soon after that. 


Seeing him walk away was the most painful of all. As he walked away, he turned back after few steps and waved me bye and smiled. He was gesturing me to leave too. I did not. I watched him walk every step away from me. With a heart as heavy as a mountain and tears rolling down my eyes like a river, I watched him vanish in the crowd. 
I knew I'm never going to see him again. 


All along, I knew it was my last day with him but he didn't. All went by my plan. I got what I wanted- to see his happy face one last day. But there was a punishment for being so selfish and not letting him know what I'm taking with me. I missed his good bye kiss.

Two Movies

I was not having big expectations on this movie either so when it started this evening, I just thought its going to be a mere waste of time. The moment the film- Naan Mahaan Alla- started, with a scene of some strangers attacking a young couple on the beach, I knew this is a film that can bring back memories. And it did not fail. The scenes where the couple enters the house of their friends, the mobile camera scene, the expression on the face of the guys forcing the girl, their drugged looks and the beasts in them that gets aroused and finally the blade, they all brought those those buried memories in me  alive gain.  

Even the railway station was shown as the same 'Perambur Station'. I still remember seeing the board that night and in this movie when one of those bad boys were shown killed at that same spot, I felt I was in there. I did not know if it was imagination, but felt real. The most disturbing scene was the one where they threaten or kill someone by slashing their throats with the pocket knife. I felt the lump in my throat as I watched it and felt numb. At one point, I was reaching out to the wound on my back and tried to feel it. It has healed completely. But the pain in my memory is still alive. 

As my mind was so blocked and was starring at the screen, my friend sitting next to me asked "do you like these? It is so gross. I don't know how you can watch these without blinking your eyes and your mouth wide open, you look like you are into it." I nodded in agreement. Even I felt the same way, I was into it. 

Usually movies don't even get into my head, I would have forgotten most of them as I leave the theater. But this one left a mark. Its the violence in it. After I came home, I knew I cannot sleep with this movie in my head. I wanted to watch something good and entirely different, more of a feel good movie. 


Though the title suggests that it will have lot of heart breaks still I chose my next movie to watch- 'He's just not that into you'. I felt it as a very good movie with lots of insights into human relationships and behavior. A very practical movie it was. Though there was a broken marriage at the end of the film, I did not feel bad about it. In fact for the first time, I thought that his how it should end and it did as I wished.


Finally that night, after I slept and was sailing in a boat, I saw him wandering around the shore as if searching for a private place to settle down. His eyes were with lust and I could sense his heat though at distance. All of a sudden I was with him and his hands were wrapped around my hips tight. This is my first time and I felt him raw and powerful. He forced himself into me and as I was withering with pain and pleasure as he reached his high like a powerful storm. When it was all over and as I was resting on his hairy chest, he said- hey its time, you got to go. My wife will be here any minute.


I woke up with a thud and I realized it was a dream, the effect of two movies back to back, with the best of both mixed in it.

Beauty

There are few men I have come across in the recent past whom I can describe with just one word- beautiful. One such person works in my office. His fair and flawless skin would shine under his dark clothes like a moon shining under dark clouds. He walks with his hair flowing on his forehead and shoulders while his arms sway with a grace. A charming face he has which turns pink to red when he blushes. He has a low and soft voice with a clean accent. His dressing sense would be awesome though he wears only a few selected set of clothes everyday. Style is his statement. I'm not sure if it is real or just the stitching, but he always wears those perfect fitting clothes that shows all the appropriate curves at the right places- front and back. They would shout aloud crying attention and its hard even for a saint to not embrace them. His eyes are sharp and dark, but I never had a chance to look into them straight. Am sure I will be cursed crazy if I did. 

There are so many of these beautiful beings around and the words gorgeous, pretty, handsome, hot, charming, beautiful and many more are defined by them. But every time I see these men, I always have a deep sense of feeling which is nowhere even near attraction. I don't know if its hatred, but let me consider myself good and subtly call it jealousy or envy. The same time when I wonder how beautiful they are, I also question what is the use of them being so beautiful when there is no exact purpose of their beauty. These guys are anyways married to a girl who would have lived even if they are bit less beautiful. Their beauty to perfection is wasted. It would make me angry, sad and fills me with longing and want. The want to be beautiful. I have always thought God is so unfair. He could have made me just a bit beautiful or  given me at least a little bit of their wasted beauty. It could have made me proud being beautiful and may be could have secured me a place in lovable hearts.

I do realize how stupid my want is. I don't have to be beautiful for my mirror or just for anyone's eyes. Rightly said, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Though I might not look like these beautiful men, even through my own eyes, I know I'm already gifted with a beauty that is eternal unlike theirs. When I'm blessed with a beautiful heart that grows better with age and time holding grace, poise, charm and love, what more can I ask? Shouldn't I be proud of that. I should feel sorry for longing to be like someone else and not respecting my inner self. 

Though this realization has flashed a million times, my feeling of hatred for beauty is still persistent. May be one day when I no longer use a mirror, I might shed this longing... May be.

All for a change

I knew I had to do something different that weekend. I wanted to explore something new and exciting. After a long thought, I finally decided. I want to change the operating system in my computer. I take pride in proclaiming I knew more about these operating systems than most of my friends, at least way back during my college and school it was. This time I wanted to try Linux. Vista is too slow to boot. Otherwise, honestly- it is the best I have tried till date, though I crib too much about how sluggish it was. It is easy to handle. Never makes you think hard. I have heard Windows 7 is great too, but to upgrade I had to shell out few grands which i cant- now. So Ubuntu the free Linux OS is the way to go, I thought.

I copied the installation files on Friday while in office and on Saturday I was ready with a LiveCD for installation. I thought now that everything is set, it might take hardly an hour or two to install and set my system to dual boot and I would be ready to enjoy the 'speed' of Ubuntu and feel the difference, the change.


On Sunday, I woke up well early and started installation. I first did not know about partitioning drives so read some articles about shrinking volume to make a new volume. Even though I had more than 60GB of free space, I was able to see only 2GB made as a separate partition. I first did disk fragmentation hoping it would help. The volume after that came to 4GB. I realized Windows might have encountered some blocks files scattered in the hard disk and while shrinking to make a new volume, it had stopped at the first block. I thought if I would format my hard disk and reinstall Windows that would make the blocks to go and I could make a new volume with larger size. So I formatted my hard disk and made a clean installation. Even after that I did not succeed in getting more than 10GB for my new volume. Damn Vista I thought.

Suddenly it dawned to me I can use a third party free-ware to do this, though there is some risk associated. What can happen most, windows may crash. So what, I can reinstall it again I thought. Finally, I downloaded Easeus partition software- a free-ware to partition. The software was so nice that it took me just few minutes and I got what I want, a new volume for Ubuntu. 

Then when I started installing the Ubuntu, I did not know how to direct the installation to the empty drive. Ubuntu through me an error message which was Latin. I aborted the installation and got back to Windows and realized Ubuntu had already made 20GB of my hard disk vanish. After much struggle, I was able to find the missing 20GB and made that into a volume with Easeus. 

I should have said quits to my quest for change and stopped here. I did not. It was already noon and I now tried other ways of installing Ubuntu. This time around it crashed windows. I had to reinstall Vista again and yes, the partitioning too because the factory image did not allow me to create partitioning during installation. Again Ubuntu installation. Ubuntu got installed, but just that after re-boot, I did not get dual boot messages. Ubuntu is installed somehow but I was not able to see it after that.


I formatted my hard disk, installed windows and did the partitioning again. This time I installed Ubuntu from Windows. Finally it worked :)


Now since the factory image of Vista is almost three years old, I had to install all those service packs. It is already late evening. It was a huge download and I was hoping the first set of Windows update would install SP's too. After all the installation, I found SPs were not installed. It was already late night. 

By now, I had lost all my energy to try any further updates. I thought I will go to sleep. End of the day, I looked back how I have wasted my entire day for something I did not even wish for. All I wanted was a change from what I currently have. I did not even open Ubuntu to try how it works. Still I had the satisfaction, I did something different that day. I took the effort to try something new and experience change. 

The next day, as I'm posting this message, I'm on Ubuntu and it has just finished downloading latest updates and installing software now. It is now asking me to select some drives located somewhere for installing something- in Latin. Staring at those messages, I switch screens and save my post. I'm no longer interested in format,  partition, install, un-install operating systems anymore. 

I need change :)

Update- 10 minutes after posting this, system restarted, boot loader vanished, grub spits, me frustrated, re-installed Vista, updated service packs.

Bye Bye Ubuntu and Garb err.. Grub.

Just half does the job

Another usual day for me. And another usual question. What next? This is the big question in my life which I usually try to avoid or try and ignore and feel the question just did not exist. But the reality pinches and I wake up to it one fine day. Higher studies is a definite answer but there are a lot of uncertainties and contradictions within myself. I would want to be near my parents. Period. I can say various reasons but the real one is I just want to be with them. Somewhere near and reachable whenever I want to. So when I applied for that Phd position today I don't know what was I thinking about. Did I forget my priorities. I have started to wonder whether it is a real priority at all these days. I just don't know.

Having a contended job can make a huge difference in me. So job change is another option to make me feel better. But do I have a guarantee that the next job would be to my expectation. Its very difficult to predict the future and it is indeed too much to ask for. I'm not making a change now merely because of the fear of failure again. I have failed in so many different things in so many different ways. I remember saying myself, when I applied for my current job, that it has to really work out, else I will be so broken. For some reason, my job turned out to be sour. And I'm here today broken yet sailing. Not contended still surviving. So does that mean failures will come and I can face them. Do I have the courage to face one more risk again? I just don't know.

I wish there is someone today I can talk to and they keep listening to all my rambles and nod their head in agreement. But all my friends are real. They will drive me to reality all the time. During these moments, gossips, jokes or conversations on just about everything would not interest me. Finally, I will not know what to talk and how to take the conversation further. I'm one good nut who refuse to be helped. My friends understand that and they have given up hopes. Understandable, they are only friends.

I'm just a totally confused soul today. Feel like a total looser. Tired and sleepy but cant fall asleep. All I want is to sleep now. May be I will listen to some music, watch a couple of episodes in Friends, talk to my teddies and may be ramble more to myself.

If nothing works, yes there is my best friend who has never failed and can put me to sleep in just few minutes. 

He will make me forget the day and gives my brain enough rest to face probably a similar tomorrow.

Sweet magic sleeping pill. Just half does the job.

Blind Man's Elephant

I knew him for a couple of months now and he is one of those confidant at work whom I can ramble freely with. I go lunch with him everyday and I miss him when he is not in office. He is one open book when it comes to sharing things. Never hides who he his and is always comfortable with people. I have seen him build friendship with a lot of people because of his quality- that makes everyone trust him. 

Not long ago, he was discussing on how he wants to adopt a baby. It seems when he got married, the couple together decided to adopt a child when they would bring a child into this world on their own. Now that his wife is pregnant, he is giving it a serious thought. He shared his thoughts to me and I put forth my views and suggestions- the pros, cons and the alternatives. I know he is giving it a serious thought.

Over the past few days, he is visibly anxious and nervous. His wife has reached the last stages of pregnancy and is awaiting doctors word on what to do next. He used to discuss in length on the options they have with respect to child birth. He explained me the advantages of a normal delivery and a c-section. He used to explain me the different stages of pregnancy and the indications and symptoms when its time for the child birth. Though it always fascinates me everything about a baby, I have never imagined a situation where I would be waiting for a child's birth. Sensing that feeling in me, he sometime would add, all the information that he said now would one day help me.

His marriage was a courageous one, where he fought and married his beloved. Since his parents were not treating his wife good, he had sent his wife to her parents home for the delivery. Now just separated by distance and the thread of love connecting them strong, the about to be parents would see each other only during weekends. Other days it will be just conversations on the phone. He used to tell me how he felt separated by distance when she needs him the most and being so far at these situations drives him crazy. He will be sometimes visibly anxious and tensed and would be sweating profusely when he gets a call from her. It will be a easy guess for me, may be his wife is in the hospital for the regular check up and he is getting updates.

Today after so many anxious days and months, he got a call from his wife. It seems the doctor has said the child is healthy now and it is better to perform an operation and remove the baby. We were at lunch and he stopped eating. He said he could not eat any further with the thought of him becoming a father. His eyes were moist and voice chocked with happiness and anxiety. He expressed his disbelief and the good feeling in him that he will soon be a father. 

It was so nice to see him smile and cry with happiness. While he left home that evening it was bliss, anxiety and every emotions unknown to me on his face. Latter tonight, when he was about to board the bus to see his wife, he had sent messages to all his friends asking them to pray for his family. I replied, I will and I wish to see him as a proud and happy father on his return. 

Though I know I'm a blind man trying to feel the elephant when it comes to parenthood, it nevertheless made me happy.

I pray and wish I finish this posting in a couple of days with a happy news. 

Update on 11-Aug-2010:
Its a baby girl :)

Srirangam

It was quite an unplanned trip and I had to book the tickets in a hurry as they were the last ones. This would be one of my very light weight travel and I started quite early expecting to reach the bus stop well in time. Though the bus started late, I reached Trichy well ahead of dawn.

I got a room in a nearby hotel and after shower took a bus to the temple town- Srirangam. 


The Raja Gopuram was huge I was awestruck by its magnitude. With my eyes and mouth wide open gazing at the height of the tower, I forgot I was standing in the middle of the road deaf to the honking vehicles behind me.There was even a town inside the main prakaram.

I settled for breakfast at a restaurant just near by the main entrance having full view of the Gopuram. I realized the food and the bus rides were cheap though they sold the cool drinks much over the MRP mentioned on them. I protested at one shop and moved to another and saw it was over priced too. With thirst asking me to damn the pricing procedures, I settled down with a water bottle and moved in.

I was right on time inside the temple. Many of the smaller temples inside have just now finished their morning rituals and was open for Darshan. The pillars and the wall of the temples were a treat to the eyes and I was just left with one thought, how can these be build in those days, before the innovation of all these modern tools of architecture. The temple was clean and the chants of bhajan filled the air. The renovated old temple was filled with a divine ambiance and so were the growing noise of the tourists of all kind- rustic, elite, foreign, young and old. 

Hawkers were plenty trying to sell everything to you. I heard one young man calling up to me and trying to sell an yantra that will get me married soon. A handsome man he was with a sweet smile. I never knew how he imagined I'm single. Giving him a smile, I turned around and thought, if you are so keen on seeing me married, why don't we get married. Chucking inside me, I walked along. 

Unlike other temples I have visited, those seeking alms were not obvious in the first instance, but they were in the disguise of guides, temple priests and uncanny onlookers. There was a priest who waved and called me inside a small temple and almost demanded money for the evening pradhosham pooja. There was the priest who explained me about the procedure to stand in queue and the various ticket prices for the darshan and at the end was giving me a look of expecting money. There was the old woman neatly dressed and calling everyone saying she was very hungry and asked for food. There was the old man selling prasadams and seeking tips from the change he was about to return. I was not sure which one could be a genuine one or which one is not. I gave money to all those old priests and food for those men and women who said were hungry. I refused, those who looked young and seemingly healthy. But who knows what their inner condition is, may be they are not able to work because of some disease which is not visible outside. Charity always leaves me with mixed feelings.

There were four types of darshan queue to see the main deity. One was free for everyone. The others were charged Rs. 20, Rs. 50 and Rs. 250. For each of them the time to see Him varies incrementally. The more you pay, the less time you 'waste' in the queue. The usual philosophy of Indian Temples. Inside the temple, though you may be equal in the eyes of God, but to see him a little longer one may need a little influence from the humans around. A little flaunting of wealth and power always helps to get their attention and to be treated and seen 'differently'. 


At the end of the day, after a short visit to Malaikottai, I reached the bus stop to take my bus home. And them I realized I had booked my return ticket for the wrong date- yesterday. The usual mistake I do with online reservation. Finally, I reached home in the morning with a new ticket.  

After a visit to these temples, I always swear I would never visit a temple again which treats people by class. But soon I will forget and would prepare myself for another visit. I would think why is God a mere spectator to all this. May be he is teaching a lesson, not for others but to me- to seek his blessings in my mind not  encourage this split treatment to the human race at the so called holy places. May be he is teaching this lesson to many others too.


I will visit many more temples, to enjoy the beauty of the place, the architectural marvels created by blessed craftsmen. To learn about religion and the mythological significance behind its creations. But to seek his blessings, I don't have to be in those places. I have it now and ever and everywhere.

Muthu

It was dusk and the dark clouds are back. I met him first near my home, in a deserted street. The lights were out and I could see his face too little in the moon light. Wearing a white dhoti and a shirt, he did look like an angel from the sky which would neither talk nor smile. I found him very reserved. Not a surprise I thought. 


After that day, its been few meetings with him now and he has not spoken much yet. But for some reason, I still did feel, I knew him too very well. May be I felt I could read his mind without him speaking a word.


A usual meeting it was again and we did not talk much that day too. Looking at his eyes, I understood what he said. His words were deep and strong. As his silent and peaceful words touched my soul my life, I gave myself to him. 


At least this time, I wanted him to tell me how he felt, by words. I wanted him to speak, I imagined his voice. I wanted him to tell me everything, I heard. He did smile when I wanted to, and loved me as I wanted to. 
I gave him a name- I called him Muthu.


I knew this is neither a dream nor mere imagination. May be my conscious longing that has transcended into a beautiful feeling. Sometimes dreams are remembered, sometimes they are made and felt. Every night after that, when I was in need of someone to lean on, to feel safe, for a warm hug or to love and be loved, Muthu came to me. 


He is the pearl that I planted in my oyster mind. He will be eternal and safe in me, until I realize he has grown too big enough to break the oyster. 


Can he?