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I know he is nowhere around me. I know it is not real.

It is almost about four years now the first time I met him. But the events of the day still remains fresh. Sometimes I re-create the entire day in my mind and would try to enjoy every moment of it. More than watching it like a recorded video, I would try to live that moment. Its my own door to live the past. The saying practice makes a man perfect is very true. These days its become a routine to live the past at least for few seconds everyday before I go to sleep. Sometimes I smile and laugh and sometimes my heart becomes heavy for the way our end came and either ways its become teary nights. Life goes as usual the next day morning, at least this is what I thought.

Of late I have a strange feeling that I'm living those moments of the past without my conscious will. Everyone that resembles him the slightest reminds me of him and I feel I'm transported to the past. I know he is nowhere around me. I know it is not real, still there is one part of me that talks to him and smiles while the other part of me watches the past and lives the present. It is only when my co-workers talk to me, I snap back to reality. Else I'm living a dream even when there are hundreds of people around me.

I would not have noticed this until I felt I was talking to myself in office when alone. I heard myself telling him- aloud- that its OK and everything will be alright. The same words I said when he first told me he is going to get married. This time am alone and am not realising he is not near me. It has put me in some embarrassing situations. One late evening I was inside a meeting hall and suddenly two of my senior managers entered and saw me talking to myself. They smiled and quietly slipped off. My co workers have caught me couple of times talking to myself even while at desk. The other day I kept staring at a technician for he so resembles him, and my other mind has already started talking and playing imagining him. It was very happy and smiling until my co-worker asked me not to scare him by my gaze.

I'm not taking the entire blame for these moments. He was the one who said, I will be with you all the time, even though when not really around. He promised me. May be I have taken these words literally so deep in my heart and seeking him to be with me now even when not around.

May be its time I have to tell and remind myself constantly- he is not around and never will be and am walking alone.