The Tree

My bus went past the building and I could see it has changed a lot. It used to a tall multistoried building and most of its front portion used to be hidden a huge tree. The tree was tall and had wide branches and was old. Definitely older than the building itself. Now the tree is gone. The building has got a face lift itself. Its got some new shiny glass facade with a huge banner of some store. There are about a dozen cars and motorbikes parked outside. Back then, it used to be a calm place where its visitors were only niche and very few. Its a cosmetic clinic and in the first floor was the dentist, the second floor had the cosmetic surgeon and the third a dermatologist who specialized in skin and hair.

My grandmother used to tell me that when I was born, the first thing everyone noticed was my nose. Even as a child, I had a very defined nose- sharp and long. I remember one of my neighbor aunt used to pinch and pull my nose and would say- she loves the shape of it and looks so good on me. My next door akka used to say she is so jealous of it and its looks so beautiful. I even remember the darlings of my earlier days used to be so turned on by the shape of it. However, he did not like it. He at least said so. He used to say- it could have been a little short, not too long and a little thin. Though he had said so many good things about me- the one thing he disliked topped my list to remember and fix. I wanted to make my nose smaller somehow, not because he would love me more- I didn't believe he could any better- but I had no real reason. For days, I kept staring at the mirror trying to figure out how to make it short. I put some clip on it to make it thin. It hurt. I tried making a short nose shape out of plaster and tried to fit in my nose in it. It again hurt but it did not get small. I knew it will not. So finally, I did step into the building for the very first time.

The cosmetologist, though at the expense of loosing his opportunity of a surgery did try to convince me that most people would be fine to live with a nose like mine. And especially men. He said if I go for it, it will be a surgery less complex by standards of rhinoplasty. Just a few bones to break, cut, grind and a few cuts and stitches on my nostrils. Sounded easy. But I know it can be risky as well. I enquired about the fee and I heard it right- four lakhs. The next thing I knew, I was there in the bank trying to figure out my account balance. I was short of about fifty thousand. I knew I can get a personal loan. I went and said the doctor I would want to get it done and would come latter to fix the date. I had to convince my mom first. 

I was not sure how to tell her. I came up with a story that I had sinus and doctor had advised me to operate on my nose to get it cured. Just so that she is not too curious, I added I'm anyways going for that surgery as I did not like my nose. It was big. I told it resembled that of that tamil villain in movies. Though she was not totally convinced, she did believe me. Now that everything is clear I thought I will get this done after my semester exams. But it never happened. We parted ways few weeks latter. The plans on my nose were dropped forever.

Again, few years latter, someone said he liked boys with beautiful smile and a smooth skin. I know I did not have them. I did not know even if I had them he would have liked me. Yet again I went to the same building- different floors. The dermatologist was so curious to know why I wanted to remove all my body hair- everywhere below my neck till my toe. Given the fact, I'm not too good looking to be a model to show off bare chests everyday for the camera, he just did not understand why. He carefully examined the hair at various parts of the body and said- it actually is tough for a dark skinned person to get lasered for hair removal. But still he can try and it might take a couple of sittings. Before going to this dermatologist, I also studied and did my own research. I read the surgery had its own complications. Skin scars, follicle in-growth, the risk of overexposure and cancer and the endless sittings to get everything removed. Most of all- it costs a fortune. 

A few days latter- am at the same building. This time with the dentist. He said, he can fix my teeth and bring a beautiful smile in a year's time. I had to wear braces for a year now! First of all, I hate braces. It hurts a lot. As a kid, I decided- even if my smile is going to be crooked, I will never-ever wear one again. It gave me headache and pains like hell. I was not sure if I could give up that resolve. I thought as a kid, if I had known that this 'smile thing' would become so important I would have endured them all. I never knew. I was not sure if I wanted to do it today either. 

In the weeks and months that followed- I would have visited the building a couple of times. Every time, I felt I can fix these hurdles up. I would be there in their clinics as if am new and hoping to hear something new- a new technology to fix my teeth and skin in a jiffy and hoping for a miracle 'cure'. But I heard the same answers. In addition- my head lost its hair by then. Now, I had a new requirement and the dermatologist also had to give me those endless consultations on hair transplantation, prescription on vitamins, shampoo, conditioners, vitalizers and yes of course- his specialty treatment-lasers. They now grew hair too. Not thoroughly convinced by the idea I would only get confused and return home.

After sometime, I just got tired of this whole get your beautiful smile and body- and be like one he likes idea. I realized, day by day I'm hating myself for the way I am. For the sake of pleasing someone else, even if I ever could, I cannot loose confidence on myself. I did realize it is just not only about the looks one would fall for either. Shouldn't I be loved the way I'm? And above all, no matter who loves me or not, I should love myself. If I'm not convinced that I'm good enough, who else would. 

Its been sometime now that I've seen or been to the building. Its 'makeover' occupants are gone. The building itself has got a face-lift. New glass facade and some gleaming neon lamps. Its like showing off that its got new and modern. Though I did like the new building- its new looks, I did miss the huge tree. It did hide most part of the building but gave the charm that these new colorful lights didn't. The cement parking lot and the luxury cars are no match to those dried flowers and leaves that almost filled the entrance of the building though looked not so neat. The bright new paint is no comparison to the natural shade from the canopy of the tree that hid the worn off paint of the building. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and someone thought the tree is not part of the building's beauty. 

Unlike the building I had a choice on the tree- imperfections. Am ♥ing it... 


At least, that's the state of mind till I hear him say it again. 

(Well, that's my crazy mind speaking, I should just ignore him now...)