Identity

About five years ago, I decided to learn driving and enrolled in a driving school. The intention was very clear- to learn driving, buy a car and use it in case of emergencies when my mother would need it. It was only then I had met him. I used to bunk my driving classes every weekend to go to Pondi. I felt guilty, but the drive towards him was much more than anything else in those days. When I told him how bad I felt by not attending my driving classes, he said- I don't have to learn driving. He said he would relocate to Chennai soon after his studies and maybe if he stays near my house- its like having a doctor next door or in my own house and why worry then. He said since he knows driving and would always be around me- he will come to rescue in case of emergency. He also said there is a hidden intention in never wanting me to learn a bike in particular. He always wanted me to be only one licensed to sit next to him and hold him tight when he rides and that I should always be dependent on him in my journey. I quit the driving class.


Times changed. Few months after we parted ways, I resumed driving class- this time with a vengeance- I'm alone, I can do it alone and I need no one's help. Easily said. I felt I could not concentrate on anything. I quit everything and a break followed.


Three years ago, I came back and by that time my brother has learnt driving and so we bought a car. My initial reason to learn drive a car has found a solution. Still it felt like some unfinished task. A year ago, soon after I completed my exams- my other unfinished task that took a break- I resumed driving class. For some reason or the other, fifteen driving classes to be completed in seven weekends took me a year. And that too- I've taken only nine of those classes. I cheated four classes by putting the signature on the attendance card myself. I chose to skip the last two classes.


Before a month, I took my first driving test and failed, though I did reasonably well given the condition of the vehicle and my state of mind. However, many passed the test with the same vehicle. May be there is something wrong with me. I was too nervous. I requested my brother to help me learn driving- in his car. He let me drive his car four times over a three weekend period. I was doing reasonably well. I knew I will pass if I take the test again. But my brother was not confident yet. He said I was just too nervous to drive. Just days before the test there was another cycle of events that totally put me off track.


I took the test few days ago and finally I passed. I did not do great- but fine in learner's standards. I was able to check-mark a task I started years ago. Though this time I had no particular intention on why I wanted this license, it made me feel good. I probably will not be renewing this license after twenty years and I dread taking the test again. I wish eventually they would have invented flying cars with auto pilots and no gears by then. Until then this license will serve the purpose of an identity card. A fitting gift and a testimonial for all the years of trial I went through while trying to obtain this license: There is always an 'identity' that everyone possess that can never be revealed to the outside world and far beyond the outer appearance and image they portray, and when done- it is pure disaster.