Company

I know he is nowhere around me. I know it is not real.

It is almost about four years now the first time I met him. But the events of the day still remains fresh. Sometimes I re-create the entire day in my mind and would try to enjoy every moment of it. More than watching it like a recorded video, I would try to live that moment. Its my own door to live the past. The saying practice makes a man perfect is very true. These days its become a routine to live the past at least for few seconds everyday before I go to sleep. Sometimes I smile and laugh and sometimes my heart becomes heavy for the way our end came and either ways its become teary nights. Life goes as usual the next day morning, at least this is what I thought.

Of late I have a strange feeling that I'm living those moments of the past without my conscious will. Everyone that resembles him the slightest reminds me of him and I feel I'm transported to the past. I know he is nowhere around me. I know it is not real, still there is one part of me that talks to him and smiles while the other part of me watches the past and lives the present. It is only when my co-workers talk to me, I snap back to reality. Else I'm living a dream even when there are hundreds of people around me.

I would not have noticed this until I felt I was talking to myself in office when alone. I heard myself telling him- aloud- that its OK and everything will be alright. The same words I said when he first told me he is going to get married. This time am alone and am not realising he is not near me. It has put me in some embarrassing situations. One late evening I was inside a meeting hall and suddenly two of my senior managers entered and saw me talking to myself. They smiled and quietly slipped off. My co workers have caught me couple of times talking to myself even while at desk. The other day I kept staring at a technician for he so resembles him, and my other mind has already started talking and playing imagining him. It was very happy and smiling until my co-worker asked me not to scare him by my gaze.

I'm not taking the entire blame for these moments. He was the one who said, I will be with you all the time, even though when not really around. He promised me. May be I have taken these words literally so deep in my heart and seeking him to be with me now even when not around.

May be its time I have to tell and remind myself constantly- he is not around and never will be and am walking alone.

The Scientist, Guinea pig and their Piglet

Its always been discussed in detail about the turmoils of a gay man marrying a woman out of family pressure and the struggle after that- for him. Much has been talked about women who were betrayed by these men and goes through a lot pain, anger and disappointment. And it ends there?


I knew few men who thought they are capable of marriage, get married, have children and then suddenly one fine morning realize- they are gay. They say, I cannot sleep with a woman. By this time, their experiments are over and they have a child or two. My first question is- how did the baby happen when they cannot do it? They call it pressure to satisfy. If they were under pressure and can make it once or twice, what stops them doing it forever- considering at least the byproduct-the children- they brought through this experiment . May be they feel they no longer can do it, their experimentation in life is over with a woman and they now realize the essence of their satisfaction in life is only a man. And the cost of their experimentation and later realization is- a mad woman and few children. 


I read a fictitious story on the same lines today. I always liked this author's narration in his stories- though overly dramatic at times. But this one gave me a total sense of incompleteness. In this story the girl tries to get away from her husband because he is gay. The husband 'cares' for her but cannot 'love her completely'. This 'caring' but 'can't love you' theory is always a bit puzzling to me though I understand. But I cannot stop questioning why should the girl- with a ten month baby of theirs- be passive and try seek a divorce. By seeking divorce, the girl is not trying to get the gates open to meet her love needs. It is very uncertain. All she does by divorce is face the world for the rest of her life-in most probability, alone, with huge responsibility- answerable to the the child- for its future. In the meantime, the man of experiments goes free after he knew it went wrong. Gets freedom in the form of divorce. Pays for his sins in the form of alimony. Considers all that happened as a bad dream. Relocates to a new place (this is really what they do). Starts his life afresh. And if lucky- rejoins his lover(s). 


If I were the author I would have somehow made an unimaginable twist where the freaky scientist never goes free  from his experiment. Somehow the scientist- lives with his experiment- the guinea pig and the piglets, and yes, happily. 


Thinking about it, I realize- when real life is experimented it becomes too much to ask even for normal living and happy endings could only be dreamt about, may be fine for fictitious stories. 


Somewhere long time back I've read- 'If you want to experiment, let it be temporary' 
So very true!