Lonely day

தோல்வியில் தனிமையை தழிவிட கண்டேன் 

தனிமையை ஒழித்திட தோல்வியும் கண்டேன் 

பிணி நீக்கும் மருந்தென்று உறக்கம் கொண்டேன் 

சரித்திரம் தொடர்வது கணவாய் கண்டேன் 

விழித்தேன் தனிமயிலே. 

List

Though he was the latest in my to-meet list, he was already topping it. He was on fast-track I guess. Usually it takes a long time from the first conversation to the day I meet them in person. Been the trend for years now. But for some reason, I was totally impressed by him and agreed to meet him immediately. It could be because of various reasons- he is irresistibly handsome; married; has a kid; well read; believer in love; too flirtatious; flatters me a lot; a lot more and am desperate. The deadly combination.

We had a long chat over the messenger today, discussion on books- and how an illiterate I am; on chocolates, beaches, vacation, kids, marriage, fashion, perfume, travel and Chennai. Even though, if I had known him to be with none among my fantasized combination, I realized just this conversation would have made me very comfortable with him. He said he could feel some kind of connection between us and that he is thrilled. He said, it might be too early to propose but he felt like doing it... He said I'm special. I did not know how to respond. I thought I was not able to feel the same way because I was not normal enough to feel emotions anymore. I thought maybe I should seriously consider others feelings before rejecting them outright. Finally when he asked me how I felt, I could respond him with no more than a 'smiley'. He asked me not be shy and say it by words. I again responded with a smiley. Smiley are my way of saying 'I don't know' and he took it as my shy way of agreement with him. He said he liked my shyness and my smileys. He said we should meet tomorrow. I agreed. I asked if we can exchange numbers so that it will be easy to spot each other tomorrow. He responded saying he has 'photographic' memory and can find me easily at the venue. 

It was late in the night already and he said its time to hit bed and logged off. Though not excited at all about meeting him, secretly I was curious. I was feeling a bit guilty for not being too open about how I felt for him- about my numbness for emotions. I thought I have agreed to meet him out of rush and I know I still have my reservations in having a relationship with a married man. 

Not able to sleep I was browsing the internet and after few hours, I saw him online again. I thought I will open up.

Me: Hi... not slept yet?

Him: no

Me: so... had dinner?

Him: Sorry- I'm not sure who you are?

Me: ok... we had a chat for few hours today.. we decided to meet tomorrow @....  (place)

Him: hhmm... I had a chat with few today... can I now your name?

Me: :)

Him: s

Me: :)

I understood he had a bigger 'to-meet' list than mine that can't be remembered, and am not even present in the added contact list of his messenger, or maybe got deleted after the conversation :)

I remember him saying he could spend only two hours maximum with me. I know why now. Needs talent to hold a time-pass conversation like that, with many simultaneously and proposing a meeting at the same place.  

He should be one busy guy tomorrow. But will have at least two hours of free time with no company in the evening. 

I logged off.

A trip to the past

As I neared the place, I felt someone was chasing me in the bike. The same smile swept my face and I looked through the window of my bus. None I knew was there. Though its been years I visited the place last, it just felt the same way as it did that very first day. Unlike the anxiety and excitement I had the fist time, I was just very calm. My motive for this visit is very simple. To re-visit that moment and re-create the first day we spent together. I've always been fine living with my memories adorning my present.


I wanted to go the restaurant where we had our first dinner together. I still remember he was too concerned whether or not I would like the place and the food there. I wanted to sit on the rock at the beach where we spoke for a long time that night. I wanted to get a glimpse of his home where we spent our night latter. I wanted to have my lunch at the restaurant in the colonial building and the juice shop where we both watched tv. I also wanted to go to the temple we first visited together. And finally wanted to bid bye as the bus would start and take me back home.


Soon after landing in the bus stop, I realized I have grown old. I could not remember a single name- the restaurant, the street, the shop or a place. I kept walking as far as I can in hope of finding the restaurant we had our dinner. Could not find it. I hired an auto and told to him reach some locality and was wandering without an address to find his home. Every street and house resembled his home. Not sure what to do, I mentioned the temple name we visited and he drove me there. I remembered the juice shop and the colonial restaurant where we had lunch were near the temple. I reached the temple, it was still the same- modern yet nice.


I walked around the place and found all the streets looked almost similar and I could not locate the restaurant. I remember the school he studied and stood before the gates where he once was proudly telling me stories about it. I walked some more. I asked for directions. None were able to help me with my hint- a juice shop at the corner that had a tv and a restaurant that is nice.


Finally I gave up on the juice shop and restaurant. I went to the temple. When I took the holy ash near my forehead, I got reminded on how he was eagerly waiting for that moment that day and he did it for me. With a smile I sat in the same place we both sat in silence. Before I started this trip, I was resolved that I should only feel happy for those moments we spent together. Never think about the present. However, when I realized my eyes are getting moist, I was filled with guilt that I might be unhappy. I was worried that my unhappiness might cast a spell or something on him and will create troubles for him. I prayed God that He should keep him happy no matter what. I left the temple before the welled up tears formed a stream.


I walked towards the beach. I was able to recognize some place there. The place where he parked his bike and the closed ice-cream shop where he wanted to buy me something. Its a Sunday evening and the beach was pretty crowded. I liked people watching. The entire beach stretch is filled with boulders of huge rocks. Its impossible to locate ours where we sat. I settled myself on one of them. I remember him explaining about those rock posts in the middle of the sea. I kept staring on the endless sea and the merging sky and the strong breeze. It seemed as if the roaring sea, the passing clouds and the wind spoke to me and assured me- he is doing well and will be taken care. I knew my trip is complete just hearing that.


I started back home, peeping out of the window hoping to get a glimpse of his face one more time.
He was there again, chasing me in his bike and waving me bye.
My memories are stronger than I thought.